The Trials and Tribulations of Me

Chapter Five

We finally got home at seven in the morning from the hospital and I was exhausted. I felt like my world had been ripped apart and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out until the pain went away.

"Do you need anything," Lucas asked watching my every move like I was disabled child that couldn't do anything by myself. I hated the way he looked at me now.

"I just want to go to bed and sleep." He nodded letting me climb the stairs alone to the lonely bedroom that awaited. I took off my shoes and climbed into the bed not knowing what to do next. Everything I once had was gone. My happiness, gone. My love, gone. Everything, gone. I didn't know what to do at this point.

I stared at the wall letting my mind take me wherever it wanted to go. It was as if my mind was trying to catch up with my body and understand the lost that we suffered. My mind couldn't understand that our baby was dead. That our baby was gone. I moved my hand to my now empty stomach desperately trying to feel the hardness that was once there. I gave up when I felt nothing letting my soul wallow in pain.

Lucas came in and sat on the bed beside me. He didn't say a word but just stared at the ground as if he was trying to think of something to say to me. I took in his features looking at the side his face as he slumped over. In that moment I wished I could be there for him and make him feel better but I couldn't even make myself feel better. My body and soul screamed out in agony and torture for the baby I would never get to hold and love. Slowly I was becoming numb to the situation and I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. If I became numb the pain would go away and I would be able to move on but I was afraid I wouldn't stay the person I was.

"I know you're going through something right now and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Is there is anything I can do to make it better?" When he looked at me I made sure to keep my head looking at the wall so I wouldn't have to face him. I didn't want him to see me like this.

"I just want to be alone right now." He stared at me a little longer then sighed getting up.

"I will be in my office if you need me." With that he left shutting the door behind him. I stared at the wall some more this time letting my emotions take control. Before I knew it water graced my face like a flowing river and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My body couldn't hold in the grief anymore. Everything hurt. I grabbed my stomach once again this time out of anger because there was nothing there. I hated that there was nothing there. I continued to cry out until I eventually fell asleep.

When I finally woke back up I felt like complete shit. I felt dirty all over. I slowly turned back the covers that Lucas had changed and got up. I made my way into the bathroom to take a much needed shower and to wipe the dirt of last night off of me.

I got out of the shower and walked back into the bedroom bare naked with little care to the world. I was like a zombie at this point. As I walked in I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and froze. I had never been a fan of my body but now I hated it completely. Now I had scars from losing my baby. My body had failed me. Before I knew it tears were streaming down my face rapidly. My heart ached and I just wanted everything to go back to normal. In the mist of my breakdown I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I knew who it was. He turned me around to him letting me cry into his chest.

Once the tears settled down he pulled off his shirt and put it on me to cover me up. He pulled me to the bed sitting me down. He wiped away my tears. "I don't understand how this could happen," I said looking down at the bed sheets to avoid his eyes. "How one minute you have a baby growing inside you and the next your baby is dead and you're just supposed to accept it."

"It's something you have to find a way to live with." I laughed not believing his words.

"How am I supposed to live with having a miscarriage?" he grabbed my hand making me look at him. His eyes caught me making me feel all of his sadness too.