The Trials and Tribulations of Me

Chapter Eight

Today I was going to Raquel's to tell her about the conversation I had with my mother. I needed to tell her that I had told my mom about Jordan missing in action. I thought it was about time she and my dad needed to know about their son. They should've been told when the news came in but I had no control over that. My only thing was I hoped Raquel wouldn't be pissed at me for telling her information, especially that she and Jordan are married. That was not my place but it slipped out and now there was nothing I could do about it.

When I got to her place she was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. "Man it looks like you been throwing down in here," I said sitting my purse down on the counter and sitting in the chair.

"Yea I've been cooking ever since I found out about Jordan. I just need something to keep my mind off of things until I get some news about him."

"I understand."

"Good. So I cooked us some bacon, eggs, and grits. I was going to go all out but I don't think we can eat all of that." She made me a plate and sat it in front of me. I instantly begin eating since I hadn't really ate real food in a long time. As I was eating I felt her staring at me. I stopped eating and looked at her.

"What?"

"I heard about your baby and miscarriage."

"Well news sure does travel fast."

"Why didn't you tell me about what happened?"

"Because I hadn't even processed the news myself and then there wasn't any news to process." I put down my fork now not in the mood to eat. Just like that I was back to not physically able to take care of myself. This whole time I have been floating by eating junk here and there but not really eating at all. I haven't even been sleeping. Most of the time I just drink coffee so I stay awake.

"I understand."

"I doubt that," I said now in anger mode. I was tired of people telling me they understood my situation when most of them would never go through what I did.

"I do. I've had two miscarriages since I was twenty." I looked up at her shocked. Raquel had never talked much about her life but this was really something surprising.

"Really?"

"Yep. I know the forever stinging pain from that lost and what it can do to you."

"How did you move on from it?"

"I took it one day at a time until the pain went numb to me. You never move on, you just find a way to keep living."

"I'm finding that hard to do right now."

"It's not supposed to be easy Samaria. It's supposed to change your life, it's just up to you if it's for the good or worse." I had to admit I did feel better knowing I had someone to talk to about this but it still made me feel small. I still felt the stinging pain and I longed for it be gone.

"Thank you for the advice but now I need to tell you something."

"Okay go ahead."

"I told my mom about Jordan missing in action and that you two are married." She sighed and sat down. I couldn't tell if she was mad or what.

"Well at least I don't have to be the one to tell them now."

"So you're not mad at me?"

She laughed, "If it was still up to me I would stall forever." She let a tear slip. "I just hope he's not dead," she said finally breaking down. I got up and went over to her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Me too."

We had finished breakfast and were sitting on the couch when my phone went off indicating a message had come through. I looked at my phone and read the message. "Oh shit we need to go to the hospital." I looked at Raquel and she nodded with her phone in her hand too.

By the time we got to the hospital I was a wreck. I didn't know what was going on. It seemed like things just kept getting worse and worse around me. For once I needed things to get better. When we got inside I found my mom and ran up to her. "What's wrong mom?"

She looked at me and I could tell she had been crying. "Your dad had another heart attack." My heart dropped.

"I thought he was doing better."

"He was still having a little trouble but not to have another heart attack." A doctor in scrubs walked up to us asking to speak with my mom alone. I watched them walk away scared and confused.

"I see you came out of hiding," I heard a voice say from behind me. I turned around to see Lucas standing tall.

"Actually I was coming home today."

"Oh really?"

"Yea, I thought it was time." He laughed.

"And what if I'm the one that now needs space?"

"What do you mean?"

"You left so you could have space and now I need space from you." I was shocked by his answer and nodded.

"Fine," I said walking off. I went to the bathroom and went straight into a stall. Soon as I was in I burst into tears. I didn't know what to do anymore. I knew this whole thing was my fault but it hurt so much. Everything around me was going wrong and now my marriage might be gone too. I wanted to fix things but that clearly wasn't about to happen. I thought Lucas would be happy to have me home like my mom said but she was wrong. He wanted nothing to do with me and now I had to live with it.

After ten minutes I had cried out every tear I had to give. I sat on the floor with my knees to me pushing back and forth. I ran my hands through my hair trying to think of what to do. I sighed looking up at the ceiling getting myself together. I slowly stood up straightening up my clothes. When I stepped out I went to the mirror, glad no one was in here with me, and fixed my face. I looked terrible. It was becoming more obvious that I hadn't been sleeping or eating but there was nothing I could do about that now.

Once I was done I came out and found my mom sitting in a chair in the waiting room. I went to her and sat beside her grabbing her hands in mine. "What's going on mom?"

"The doctors told me that Conrad has entered stage C heart failure and now they are in the process of giving him a pace maker to control his heart better." I sat back not believing her words. At this point I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but I knew I couldn't. My mom needed me right now especially with my other siblings MIA.

"He will make it through this mom."

"I hope so." She gripped my hand tight. We sat together waiting to hear something. The whole time I prayed my dad would make it, my family couldn't take another hit. Hell I couldn't take another hit. I was near my breaking point.

After an hour a doctor in scrubs once again approached my mother telling her they had some news. He told her my dad had successfully made it out of surgery and she could go see him now. We both sighed relieved.

She got up leaving me alone. While I was in my thoughts Lucas came and sat by me staring a hole into the side of my face. I sighed ready for round two. "You can have your space. I will continue to stay in the hotel."

"How are you doing?"

"Terrible." I got up attempting to flee from this situation but I was stopped by him grabbing my arm. He stood up walking to me.

"You can stay at the house."

"And what your space from me?"

"We will just stay in different rooms and try to stay out of each other's way." I looked down ready to cry all over again. I was crying more than I cried in my entire life. I had never let someone or something get me so down to the point I was barely eating or sleeping, but here I was.

"That's ridiculous Lucas."

"Take it or leave it. You were the one that left and now I need time to let you back into my life."