The Trials and Tribulations of Me

Chapter Seven

I checked myself into the Four Seasons and I have been here for two days. I have enjoyed being away from everything and everyone. Sure I missed being around Lucas but I needed this right now. Being in that house I felt like I was about to drown from everything and the more I stayed the deeper I sank. I wanted to fight my way out and the only way to do that was if I got the right amount of space. Even so I knew eventually I would have to go home but I wasn't ready yet. I still needed to time to get my mind right. I know Lucas was hurting too and yes at times it was hard to believe it but I couldn't look past my own pain to see his. I wanted to be a good wife but right now I couldn't even be a good person. Everyone just seemed to anger me and I needed to fix that.

I was lying in bed eating chips while watching Basketball Wives when someone knocked on the door. I hesitantly got out of bed to go see who it was. I opened the door to see it was my mother. "What are you doing here mother?"

"I stopped by the house and Lucas told me you would be here."

"I told Lucas where I was, not what room I was staying in." she laughed leaning against the door frame.

"That man knew exactly where you were the minute you left the house." I let her in not really in the mood to be disturbed. I hadn't talked to anyone in two days and I loved it. I wanted to keep my space as long as I could before I had to give up to go back to reality.

"Why did you come here and if it's about a wedding I swear." I sat down on the couch in the front facing her.

"Lucas told me about the baby."

"Oh." I looked down not expecting her to say that. I didn't know if I even wanted to tell my parents about what happened. "He had no right to do that."

"The question is why didn't you come to me or your dad or at least me?"

"Because you were already pissed at me for getting married and then you kept trying to plan a wedding I didn't even want. You were impossible to deal with and I didn't feel like adding another thing you grilled me for doing wrong."

She sighed, "I know I have been difficult, but she just wants the best for you. Now I know I haven't been listening to you and I'm sorry for that. From the day you were born I have been trying to prove to myself that I was a good mother and I guess I put all those expectations on you and when Jordan and Brianna was born I just didn't know what to do but not make the same mistakes I made with you."

"So that's why nothing I did was never good enough for you? It seemed like nothing I did made you smile unless it had something to do with Brianna or Jordan."

"Samaria when you were growing up I had a lot going on and I know I wasn't the best mother to you but I can't change the past."

"So what you're telling me you want to change the future?"

"I'm telling you that I want a relationship with my daughter. We have never had that type of mother daughter relationship and I want that to change. And I may not have told you this but I have always been proud of you."

It went quiet as we both were thinking about what was just said. I wanted to believe my mother but that was hard especially with our past. I wanted my mother but I didn't want to get my hopes up for nothing. I then thought about Jordan and knew that she needed to know. I sighed knowing what I was fin to say was not good news.

"Mom I have to tell you something and it's going to hurt."

"Just lay it on me."

"Jordan is missing in action mom."

"What are you talking about?"

"Raquel told me the Army came to her and told her Jordan's team got attacked and now they can't find him."

"Why would Raquel know anything about my son missing?" I bit my lip at what I had to tell her.

"They got married secretly before he left." She sighed and got up running her hand down her face.

"What's going on with my family? First you and now your brother; my family is all over the place right now from your father now your brother."

"What's going on with dad, I thought he was okay?"

"We did too but when we went to his last doctor's appointment they found something and they're not sure what it is." I sat back not believing my ears. I always thought my dad would be there for me and now he was on the verge of being gone. I wanted my dad to always be here for me.

"Is there anything I can do to help him?"

"Only time will tell."

"What does that mean mom?"

"It means that we can only wait until we know for sure what it is."

"I just hope it's nothing bad."

"Well if it is then we will handle it like a family like we always do." My mom sat back down putting her hand in her laps.

"So what's going on with you and Brianna? I know you two have fought but this time seems different than the other times. I have seen you two fight but this is not like the others." I looked down not really sure what to say about this situation. Brianna and I were complicated and at the moment I didn't know if we could make things right. She had a lot of problems and I didn't have time to deal with them.

"I can't keep pulling Brianna along and bailing her out of trouble. I have enough to worry about than to be getting caught in her stuff, the only that's doing to me is making me drown faster."

"If you can't have Brianna in your life right now then that's okay because you need what's best for you to heal."

"I never thought you would say something like that mom."

"Yes, I would love for my family to always get along and be together but I want you to look out for yourself right now so that you can get back to that man you left at home."

"I don't know if he wants me back mom." Lucas and I hadn't talked in two days and it wasn't like he was talking to me before I left. Plus when I did leave he said he was done with me which he had never said to me. If I ever did think about going home I wouldn't know what I was going home to. I didn't know if Lucas was going to be there or not.

"That man asked you to marry him before the relationship could even reach five months. That man loves you and wants you back more than anything." I wanted to believe her but something just kept me from believing it. I could feel the disconnect between Lucas and I and it hurt because I was the one that caused it. If I had been able to hold onto our baby and carry it we wouldn't be in this situation. Every time I see Lucas I feel the guilt of him not being able to be a dad and hurts. Deep down I feel like he blames me for losing out baby and that hurts even worse. I didn't want to be away from him but I couldn't take not knowing how he really felt about me. I knew if I blamed myself then he had to blame me too.

"What if he doesn't?"

"What kind of question is that? He is your husband through thick and thin."

"Yea but this is different mom."

"No, it's not. Do you honestly think that man would leave you right now after what you two just went through?" I shook my head no. "Then stop doubting him."

"What do I say to him though?"

"It doesn't matter what you say to him, it's about showing him you are there for him. He lost a baby too and you need to let him know you got his back too and he will have yours. You just gotta show him you are willing." I sighed looking down knowing she was right. Lucas deserved to know that I was there for him like he was being for me. I hadn't treated him right and it was time I did. He was my husband.

"I want to I just don't know how to."

"Well the first step is taking your ass home." I nodded knowing she was right. I had to go home to my husband. We needed each other right now and I dropped the ball on that end. I bent over and hugged her tight.

"Thank you mom for being here for me."