Like Night and Day

The Decline

There aren't many things in the world one individual can control. At the end of the day, no matter the choices that were made, every person is laid to rest in the ground. Death was inevitable and the end result of a long lifetime was the same no matter the cards played. This thinking, however, disintegrates the value of moments. It takes the joy out of life and the meaning of love, relationships, and free will.

Though grim, Baekhyun could feel himself begin to feel the contagious disease of that dark mindset. His eyes began to see everything as hopeless, gray in color with no vibrant spectrum to lighten him. Choices no longer mattered when all he could think about was the end. The final result.

The letters were foolish, but he was the bigger fool to begin doubting. He knew of it. His mind did not stray from the fact as he silently walked the aisles of the convenience store, searching for something to relieve his pain. He only wished there was something to cure him of his doubts, of his faults.

Why Chanyeol chose to love someone so indignantly frustrating... Baekhyun felt himself shaking. Upset. His mind a chaotic, ugly mess.

Quickly, he grabbed a familiar pain reliever brand.

Maybe Chanyeol was settling. After all, Baekhyun was never a choice. He was a lottery number. For whatever reason, Chanyeol made him his target, and though he made it clear that he was, without a doubt, madly (and genuinely) in love, Baekhyun couldn't move past it.

Call it a fairy tale. It was too fake, too unreal. But it was true. Chanyeol loved him so much that it was terrifying. It was a horror to know how in love he was, especially when they were never supposed to be together... Chanyeol was settling, just like the letters said. The athlete had approached him with a broken heart, making it possible for him to become attached to the person who healed him. There was no doubt that what Chanyeol felt for him was love, but Baekhyun didn't want that love born out of gratitude, and that was how he felt for what it was. Partially gratitude. Maybe a bit of fascination. Whatever it was, the letters were beginning to taint him like ink on blank, white paper, and Baekhyun couldn't stop it. In his mind, it made sense. It brought an unfamiliar feeling of hurt to his chest, something the brunet had never experienced before, and he didn't know what to do but to push... Push away until he was pushed back by Chanyeol. Until the jock realized it was too much. Until he wanted Baekhyun out of his life... Baekhyun was waiting for their breaking point, their inevitable end.

Baekhyun paid for the medicine and left the store, popping one immediately from the bottle and swallowing without water. He ignored the rough feeling in his throat. It was nothing.

The headache was bad. It seemed like every other day he was getting the same diagnoses. It might've been from stress or the lack of sleep--Baekhyun didn't know. He didn't want to know.

Chanyeol texted him, asking how he felt. Are you okay? he had asked. Quietly, Baekhyun bit his bottom lip, staring at the text as he sat on a bench, waiting for the bus to take him back to school. He could've answered. He should've, but Baekhyun didn't want to lose control. There was a part of him that wanted to say no, he wasn't fine. He was madly in love with a person he wanted so badly, yet at the same time, he wanted to push them away. He was in love with someone who made him happy but constantly hurt him unknowingly.

Baekhyun put his phone aside for a minute, closing his eyes. He was paranoid with his insecurities running high. With every relationship, friendship or with his last bit of romance, he always found himself looking over his shoulder. When is the end? When will it start to hurt so bad, he has to disconnect himself from the world in order to feel nothing? When will the conversations end? When will I Love You become a memory?