The Nanny [Jimmy Fallon]

27

My heart stopped as I looked into his brown eyes, my stomach lurching as I realised this was the first time I was seeing him properly since I walked out his door over a year and a half ago. It was so odd – there was so much familiarity between us, so much so that I just wanted to jump into his arms.

"Hey, Iz," he whispered, a smile creeping onto his face slowly. That smile – I had missed that smile more than anything.

"Hey." I wasn't sure what to say to him – I found myself near speechless as I looked into his eyes.

"I don't... I don't know what to say."

"Me neither," I replied, feeling my smile match his. I had almost forgotten about Louisa still being in the dressing room sat behind me, completely unaware of anything that had ever happened between Jimmy and I. As if she could read the situation somehow, she excused herself, saying she was going to get a drink.

"Does she know anything?" Jimmy asked hesitantly after she left, shutting the door behind her.

"No, just that I used to be your nanny."

"Okay," he smiled. "Come here, pal." Before I could react, his arms were snaked around my waist as he pulled me into him, the familiarity of his body making me feel warm inside, and making the butterflies flutter even more. "Gosh, I'm so proud of you," he whispered, his face buried into my neck as I wrapped my arms around him. "Seriously, Iz. I don't even know what to say."

"You know, this is all because of you," I murmured, unable to help myself. I had told myself I would be cool, and chilled, but there was no way I could be like that around Jimmy. I knew that seeing him again like this would bring back all these memories, but I didn't expect all my feelings to come rushing back like this. With his arms around me, it's like we were at the same place we were over a year and a half ago, before Alyssa had dropped the bombshell.

But when he stepped away from me, the memories of what he had done came rushing back. And although I had long forgiven him and I wasn't harbouring any hate towards him anymore, we were practically strangers now. Everything had changed since then.

"I've been nervous about this day since you started getting big," he laughed slightly, going to sit on the couch. "I knew there would be a time when you would be on here. Iz..." he reached over to grab my hand as I sat beside him. "There were so many times where I thought about reaching out to you, somehow, but I wasn't sure if you were still pissed at me. I'm sorry I didn't. I wish I'd tried harder with you... with us."

"I got over that a long time ago, Jimmy," I replied, goosebumps spreading over my body as he squeezed my hand. "I did too, honestly. But I wasn't sure how to, or what to say. When I heard about your mom, Jimmy, I really wanted to do something. I'm sorry I didn't."

Jimmy's mom had passed away late last year, only a few months after we split so he was still fresh in my mind at that point. I was so, so close to sending him a message on Twitter or Instagram in the hopes he would see it, but I talked myself out of it, knowing it would do neither of us any good in the long run. I wish I had of now.

"It's okay, Iz, you didn't owe me anything. I was an ass to you, and I'm so, so sorry about what I did."

"It's fine," I smiled, looking down at our entwined hands. I knew he wasn't married anymore and I guess I wasn't properly attached, but this still felt wrong somehow. But I couldn't pull away.

"It's not fine, Izzie, it's really not. I lied to you, because I thought I was protecting you. I didn't want to hurt you with things that I didn't think mattered, because the last thing in the world I wanted was to see you upset. I know that was wrong now," he muttered, squeezing his eyes closed. "Gosh, pal, I've had so much time to reflect on it, and it still hurts to think what I did to you. I'm sorry, Iz."