Determinant: One choice will change everything

Chapter 43: Tris - Separation

Chapter 43: Tris – Separation

The first week is the hardest. Initially, between the haze from the pain medication and how much it makes me sleep, I'm able to let the others convince me that I just missed Tobias, and that he'll be back soon. But by the time I'm allowed to sit up without a ventilator, there's no point in pretending any longer. It's clear he isn't coming to see me.

Uriah tries to insist that it's not a defection, that Tobias had to take Amar back home to be treated. Maybe it would have worked if Cara hadn't come to visit, checking on me and asking me to send some equipment and staff with them to the bomb shelter. She doesn't even try to cover for Tobias' absence – she just looks at me sadly and says to give him time.

Christina is more honest, with her Candor instincts that I doubt will ever really disappear. She tells me that Tobias is afraid of himself but that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Really, though, I think that just makes it all worse. It's harder to be mad at him this way, and I so want to be angry right now. It would undoubtedly hurt less.

I try to bury my sorrow in work, and fortunately there's plenty of it. Caleb and Margot spend most of each day by my hospital bed, relaying information to me, discussing ideas, and gathering my instructions. They spend the rest of their time with the staff they've put together, carrying out the decisions we made. I try to get Christina and Uriah to participate, too, but they're clearly not interested; they're just waiting until they're sure I'm okay before they head back to Chicago. I can't really blame them – they both have family to return to.

As the days slowly pass, I begin to appreciate every time I see someone who was not affected by the broadcast – or at least was less affected. It gets tiring to see Tobias' message reflected at me from face after face, as if the entire population now consists of adoring puppies. It's even harder when the face I most want to see among them, the one who inspired them, is no longer here. I try not to admit how much I miss him, but he's in every dream I have, and I feel a surge of hope every time someone tall with dark hair walks past my doorway. But it's never him, and the more time passes, the less likely it seems that I'll ever see him again.

It's more than a little strange the first time Peter visits me, walking with difficulty and making awkward small talk – some mix between his usual acerbic tone and what seems like a genuine attempt to be friendly. Well, friendlier, anyway. I figure out why when he asks me for a job. For whatever reasons, I don't tell him no immediately. I let him explain his reasoning, and I tell him I'll think about it, and I actually do. A few days later, I let Caleb find him a suitable position. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I just need someone around who will insult me occasionally to remind me that I'm not the image of perfection most of the country thinks I am.

Slowly, the people I asked to help me begin to gather in Philadelphia. Evelyn and Tori decline, as I expected, and George chooses to stay with Amar for obvious reasons. But the others trickle in, coming from various distances.

The people Anna named are the first to arrive. We're hesitant to trust them initially, since we don't know them and don't even have a way to truly verify their identities, but we let them help to some degree anyway. We just watch them closely. After all the betrayals back home, it's hard not to be at least a little paranoid.

The rebels we sent to safety come next, and I'm truly relieved to learn they all survived. Even Lauren made it, though she was in dire need of medical attention by the time they were able to come out of hiding, so she's currently hospitalized in Pittsburgh. The rebels aren't sure if she'll join us after that or return to Chicago; she was apparently not lucid enough to make a decision at the time they left to come here.

Anna, Johanna, and Jack Kang arrive last. I'm a bit surprised to see Jack, since I didn't really think he'd accept the offer, but I don't mind. At least I can count on him to be honest. And I'm genuinely pleased to see the other two.