Determinant: One choice will change everything

Chapter 8: Tobias - Decisions

Chapter 8: Tobias – Decisions

When I wake up, the space next to me is cold and empty. For a split second, I panic, as if she's gone to Erudite again, and then I'm annoyed with myself. She just woke up first, that's all. It's hardly surprising, given I was awake for more than 24 hours. But it's also the first time that's happened since we escaped from Jeanine.

I hear her voice filtering through the door, talking with Christina, and I'm about to join them when I decide it's time to do something about the accumulated sweat and grime and blood coating me.

The water is ice cold, but I force myself into the shower anyway. It burns almost like heat on the bruises covering my mid-section. The Dauntless were certainly thorough yesterday. But I scrub myself clean, gritting my teeth against the frigid temperature and the pain. I even shave – it's probably a bit stupid, given how much my hands are trying to shake from the cold, but it's almost a game at this point to see if I can hold them steady despite everything else. It's a skill that's helped me too many times for me to abandon it now.

When I finish, I pull out some of the clothes we collected from Candor, selecting black pants and a white shirt. It feels like a good day for honesty.

For a moment, I stand in front of the mirror, evaluating myself. It's hard for me to look at my reflection without seeing aspects of my father in me. I suppose it's because mirrors were so rare growing up in Abnegation, so I only saw those features on Marcus. But it's a reminder I don't want. I stare anyway, willing myself to see past that, to see who I am. Not my father's son, or even my mother's. Not a child of Abnegation, or someone shaped by Dauntless. Me. Am I anything more than that?

As I stare, other faces slowly begin to form around me, and I try to define myself through my connections to them. I'm Tris' boyfriend. She's saved my life, and I've saved hers. I've bent the city for her, and I don't regret that. In fact, I feel stronger for it. I'm Zeke's friend. I kept his brother safe through initiation, during what was probably the most dangerous time ever to be Divergent, and I protected him through the battle in ways he never noticed. I was in Shauna's initiation class. I fought Eric to help her and carried her to safety after she was shot outside Candor. I was Amar's friend, until he disappeared, and I thought he was dead. I honored him by protecting the initiates after he was gone.

When I think of them, I feel like I could be the person I want to be, brave and selfless and smart and honest and maybe even kind, sometimes. But I know I'm also the person who killed at least eight people in the last two weeks, including Eric. I'm also the person who betrayed Tori. She was the first one to make me think I could leave Abnegation and seek safety elsewhere, and I turned on her.

And I'm the person who's terrified to leave the city when it needs me most. As I think that, I see the cowering boy my father beat, the one who watched as he hit my mother, the one who protects himself first, no matter the cost to others. I need to leave that person behind today. I don't know quite how, but I can't be him anymore if I'm going to leave this city with Tris. And I will do that.

I look directly into my eyes in the mirror and say the words I've said to every initiate before they face their fears, the words I said to Eric before I shot him. "Be brave."

And then I walk into the other room to join Tris and our friends.

They're gathered in a small circle, relaxing on a pile of blankets on the floor. Christina's leg is propped up, and she's leaning against Uriah, who looks somewhat uncomfortable with the contact. He's probably thinking about Marlene. He doesn't need to; I doubt Christina is looking for anything more than back support right now. She's still too hung up on Will.