Determinant: One choice will change everything

Chapter 3: Tris - Ruminations

Chapter 3: Tris – Ruminations

After Tobias leaves, the others collapse back into sleep, snuggled into piles of blankets on the floor. But my mind is too full, so I wander this empty building that's become our temporary home. It's filled with apartments that must have been occupied once, but like so much of the city, everything was cleared out neatly before it was abandoned, and the rooms now echo with emptiness.

As with so many other buildings, the plumbing is still functional, along with the emergency lights in the stairways and halls, but nothing else. Now that I've seen Amanda Ritter's video, I have a better idea why that is, and it seems incredible to me that we all accepted this as normal before yesterday. We should have realized that this isn't how an area looks after being destroyed in war; it's how it looks after people deliberately move away over a period of time.

I walk, my footsteps sounding too loud to my ears, startling me when I brush against a wall or doorway. There doesn't seem to be anyone else here, but if someone is asleep in one of the many empty spaces, it would be hard to know that.

I should return to the apartment we picked, but I just can't. There's a nervous energy twitching through me that makes it too hard to stay still. It's not that I'm seeking out danger, I realize. No, I wasn't lying to Tobias last night; I really do want to live. But I also desperately want to walk, want to move freely without Peter escorting me, without the pain and fear that have accompanied me for weeks now. I also want to be alone for a bit, so I can think without interruption.

Most of my thoughts are of Caleb. I try not to let them in, but I can't help it. Tobias' words keep coming back to me, twisting my stomach into knots. "He told me that he helped Peter fake your execution." I need to know if it's true.

But does it really matter? Even if it's true, he still betrayed me. He told Jeanine that I had three aptitudes, which made her more anxious than ever to "study" me. He probably also helped her figure out the best way to lure me to Erudite, and that makes him responsible for Marlene's death. Her smile flashes through my mind, and I press my palms to my cheeks as if to push it away. How can I possibly forgive him for that?

I think of his face the last time I saw him, as he pleaded with me to listen, to hide the video. He was as willing as Jeanine to kill people to hide the truth. The truth that our parents wanted to reveal. They would say I should forgive him anyway, should forgive him all the more because he doesn't deserve it, but I guess I still don't have enough Abnegation in me, because I can't do it. I can't, or I won't, or maybe both.

But as angry as I am, I don't know if I want him to die. He's still my brother, the only family I have left, and I don't know if I can abandon him to his death, even after he did that to me. Maybe they won't execute him. Maybe they'll keep him in prison. I'm quite sure I could accept that, but I know it's not what they'll do. So, I keep thinking the same thoughts, around and around in a circle.

As my feet wander down another hallway, I realize I'm not going to resolve this without more information. Maybe when Tobias returns, he'll have some answers, or some way to go forward from here.

Slowly, I make my way back to our cold, unlit apartment. Tobias chose it because it's a corner unit, so there are windows along two walls we can use to watch for anyone who might come after us. It was thoughtful in that somewhat paranoid way Tobias has mastered. But I can't blame him for thinking like that after everything he's been through. Everything we've all been through, really.

I replay our conversations from yesterday in my mind. I haven't told the others that he betrayed Dauntless to keep me alive. They didn't stay awake long enough to ask, but even if they had, this seems like a subject to avoid.

I slip through the door of the apartment. It's not as big as the unit Christina's family has, but it's large enough for our purposes, with two exterior rooms and two windowless ones, if you count the kitchen. Tobias was firm that we can only use flashlights in the interior rooms, and then only when all the doors are closed and covered with blankets to provide an extra level of security. Light carries a considerable distance at night, after all, and we can't let anyone see where we are.

The others are still sleeping soundly, and I'm beginning to feel tired enough to do the same, so I pull some blankets into one of the empty rooms and make a bed of sorts. I could join the others, but I still feel a desire to be alone. Besides, when Tobias comes back, I'd prefer to have a private space. It felt good kissing him like that last night, really good.

I wish he was here now, but I know that things could be much worse. I could be in a prison cell again, with Tobias hating me this time. Or he could have died in the battle. The thought sends a shudder through me, and I wonder for a moment how I ever let him leave my sight today. Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed with the desire to feel his hands on my face, or linked with mine, or elsewhere on my body, and I remember the realization yesterday that he only really touches me.

That's been true from the beginning, I realize slowly. From the moment he pulled me out of the net, and kept me from falling, and welcomed me to Dauntless with his palm on my back. From the moment he placed his hand on my stomach while teaching me to fight, the moment he climbed the Ferris wheel with me and held my hand between his and held my arm to steady me. He liked me from the beginning. I have no idea why, given all the other choices he had, but it's clear that he did.

And I've liked him the whole time, too. I didn't admit it to myself for quite a while, but it was there the first time I looked into his eyes, those thoughtful eyes with their unusual shade of blue. They were one of the first things I noticed at Dauntless.

I hold the image of those eyes in my mind as I finally drift off to sleep again, hoping Tobias will be back soon.