Determinant: One choice will change everything

Chapter 46: Tobias - Reconciliation

Chapter 46: Tobias – Reconciliation

I don't know what's up with Christina. It's been months since she or Zeke asked me to take a walk. They both know I'm a good enough judge of myself at this point to leave on my own when I need to. I have been for a while.

And it's not like I was out of control. My emotions were – are – high from seeing Tris. Of course, they are...but not in a bad way. Certainly not in a dangerous way. There was no legitimate reason for Christina to send me out here.

I sigh, running a hand along the back of my neck as I start down the old familiar route. As a guess, this is Christina's way of making sure I'm still listening to her, so she'll know she can keep Tris safe if she ever needs to. And objectively, I'm glad Tris has a friend who cares that much about her. But I also know it's misplaced worry. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid that I'll turn into Marcus. I finally trust myself enough for that, and I like the feeling too much to screw it up.

Someone brushes against me on the busy sidewalk, and I shift to the side to give him room to pass. It's been a long time since I walked this route. My feet still have it memorized from when I used to pound it a few times a week. Back then, I was frustrated with Amar's condition, and I missed Tris so much it hurt. Between that and the mess the city was in, I was angry more often than not, and it seemed utterly unrealistic to control that fury, let alone to discuss it with anyone.

It didn't help that I hated the support program at first. There was no way I wanted to get together with strangers and talk about my rotten childhood. I only went to a second meeting because I promised my mother – and I definitely wouldn't have kept going after that if my nightmares hadn't been so full of Tris.

But gradually, my attitude shifted. I kept hearing my own thoughts and experiences coming out of the other group members' mouths, and that made them seem less like strangers. And then I began to listen to the responses they got from the more experienced members, and I realized that someone always had a suggestion to offer – something that had helped them in a similar situation. Most of the suggestions were good, and that's what finally won me over.

I'm very glad now that I stuck with it. Over time, the other group members have become some of my closest friends, particularly my sponsor, Kevin. It's hard to imagine my life without them. We help each other overcome our scars and face our fears in a way that Dauntless never really did. We're stronger together.

When it comes down to it, I suppose that's why I'm walking right now, even though I know I don't need it. It's a show of faith in the program that's made such a difference for me, and of faith in Christina for that matter. She helped me through one of the darkest stretches of my life; I can take a ten-minute trek now if it helps her feel better about my being around Tris.

But we'll have a problem if she tries this again when I get back, because I will be talking to Tris tonight. I've waited too long not to.

My feet round the corner as my mind focuses on her. I can still feel the electrical energy running along every part of me she touched. It's not really surprising, but in a way I'd hoped it wouldn't happen anymore. That would have made it far easier to just be friends if that's what Tris wants. Instead, it will be every bit as difficult as I expected.

At least she's here, I tell myself. If she didn't want anything to do with me, she wouldn't have agreed to move into the same "mini-faction" as me. And she certainly wouldn't have hugged me. No, she clearly wants to see me. The question is what she wants from there.

I try not to let hope creep in. I know what I want, but I have to be realistic. So, as I've been doing since I learned Tris was moving back, I try to prepare myself to be nothing more than friends. I'm pretty sure I can make that work for a while, if I can avoid touching her, or smelling her unique fragrance, or looking at her too much. If I can hope that maybe someday the relationship will evolve into something more....