Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (The M. Clifford MOD)

Act 1: Scene 7 (continued)

MINISTRY OF MAGIC, GRAND MEETING ROOM

PERCIVAL enters near the stage, his side parting now super-aggressive, his robes spectacularly staid. With much fanfare, PERCIVAL climbs the steps to the stage. No one looks happy to be there, and the chatter has developed into a steady thrum of exasperated grumbling. PERCIVAL steps up to the podium.

PERCIVAL (in a serious voice): Order. Order, I said. You really are a most disappointing bunch. Do I have to conjure silence?

He pulls silence from the crowd using his wand. There is a sudden, total hush. Everything is instantly still. And slightly depressed. PERCIVAL swipes his wand a second time to return their voices.

(sounding posh) Welcome to this Extraordinary General Meeting. I'm pleased so many of you could make it.

There's some polite applause.

It's been twenty-one years since we defeated Voldemort at the Battle of Hogwarts. The wizarding world has been living in relative peace.

GEORGE (robust, from somewhere unseen): You say we've been living in relative peace, but I have it on good authority that your relatives still think you're a prat. Care to respond?

Chortles pervade the crowd. PERCIVAL knows that GEORGE is about to cause trouble. He keeps his composure but prepares for the worst.

PERCIVAL: I've got some things to say — I ask that we deal with questions — and there will be a lot of questions — after I speak.

GEORGE (his voice less distant): Questions like, why must we wait so long for this prat if he refuses to say something even the tiniest bit interesting?

PERCIVAL (trying desperately to still sound Ministerial): As many of you know — and I'm delighted to say — there is a new generation being brought up having known only the slightest conflict. As I previously stated...the wizarding world has been living in relative peace...

PERCIVAL gives them a severe and worrisome look. He had been planning for this moment.

...until now.

GEORGE appears beside RON and HERMIONE. He's wearing a bright purple trilby hat and raises a ludicrously tall feather quill.

GEORGE (full of drama — he's really enjoying this): Mister Minister — George Weasley from the Weasley Register. It's been nigh on twenty-two years since the well-known Battle of the Seven Potters, where one George Weasley — no relation — had lost a once remarkable ear. There's some buzz going round that this young man's cursed appendage may have sprouted its own body. Your opinion?

There's giggling.

You do know...the ear was never recovered after the battle.

PERCIVAL: There will be silence from the crowd. No more questions!

GEORGE: Follow up question. We have insider information that the mislaid ear once belonged to a twin. Ears do come in pairs, after all.

PERCIVAL is visibly shaken.

PERCIVAL (to GEORGE, finally losing his temper): George! Stop it! This is serious business! I am very important now, and I will not allow you to reduce my authority —

GEORGE: Would you be opposed to naming the reconstituted man? And, if so, might I suggest something Fred-like?

PERCIVAL: Fine thing, bringing him up. You, out of us all, should grasp the ramifications of what I have yet to say. (to the masses) Death is upon us. We are on the brink of war!