Emo Guys Are Hot

Chapter 17

 

Chapter 17

 

Ma’leek’s P.O.V

“No, not Jake, you actually. I want you to tell me what’s wrong. How are you dealing with this so easily? You must be hurting.” I hear the words coming out of her mouth but I have a hard time understanding them. Am I hurting? Am I dealing with this? Is there anything wrong?

Yes, I’m hurting. No, I’m not dealing with this. Yes, everything is wrong. Beca didn’t fall in love with me, he feel in love the old Ma’leek, the defenceless one. I’m not dealing with this, I’m pushing it away. And I’m hurting, every minute of every day.

“Everything is wrong, I’m not the person Beca fell in love with, I’ve completely changed. It would be a blessing if he even recognised me. I’m not dealing with it Allie, I’m pushing everything away, even you. I shouldn’t be.” My voice is slow and precise.

We sit quietly for a while. The silence stretches out. It isn’t a peaceful silence, or an awkward silence. It is strained like there is so much to be said but it cannot form into words.

Allie curls back up into a ball while I stare out the window. I could see all the way to the sea, which isn’t actually that far. It’s a deep blue and it’s huge. I lean back on the wall and close my eyes.

Sleep comes to me quickly, it isn’t a pleasant sleep, no far from it. At first I am peacefully dreaming, and then it turns into a nightmare. I am in a meadow with Beca, he is smiling. Happy, so was I. We leave the meadow and head to my house. There we find Allie crying on the floor, her hands covered with blood. It isn’t hers. She is staring towards a closed door, she is shaking.

On the door is writing in blood. ‘One down, three to go’ I can only guess who is behind the door. Jacoba. And it was.

This is the kind of dream where you try so hard to wake up and you think you do but you don’t. I wake up in the hospital room, panting. Except I’m not. All of a sudden I am standing outside my mom’s bedroom door. Again words written in blood on the white door ‘Two down, two to go’.

And once again I wake up in the hospital, fully aware I am dreaming. I sit up and look at the window, how wrong was that idea? Very, words all over the window, thousands of them. I scream as loud as I can.

Arms wrap around me, and shake me to reality. Allie has a ‘terrified out of my fucking mind’ look on her face. Relief washes over me when I look at the window, no words.

“Ma’leek, what’s wrong?” her voice one of concern.

“Bad dream.” I answer simply. She nods, she understands.

“Ma’leek,” she starts then thinks better of what she was about to say, but she asks anyway. “You never said if you are hurting. Are you hurting?”

“Yes Allie, I’m hurting, every minute of every day. It hurts not to be at her side, it hurts that everybody whispers about him, it hurts that I can’t see his smile and it hurts that I can’t look into his beautiful eyes. Yes I’m hurting, even in my sleep I’m hurting. I’m even hurting when I’m not thinking of him, when I’m training I’m hurting, so I push myself harder and harder.”

“Ma’leek I didn’t know.” She looks at the ground, we sit there in silence. I look at the ground as well. Thinking about what I just said, but now I realise I left something else out.

“Allie,” I say slowly and precisely, “I missed one thing,” my breathing is so rugged and my heart is beating so hard. “I . . . love . . . Beca . . . so . . . much . . . it . . . hurts.”

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