Ghost of a Hero

Frustrating the Bad Guys

"Ahsper, for god's sake, listen to me-" the voice on the lone pleaded.

I cut them off. "The line you are trying to reach has been disconnected. Press 1 for more information. Press 2 to redirect your call. Press 3 if you're an asshat." I kept my voice even, trying to sound like a machine recording.

"Ahsper, you're such an ass! We need you to-"

Click!

I snapped the phone shut violently. Cooper looked at me smugly. "He's right. You're such an ass! An ass with an ass. I'd like to see science explain this one."

"In my defense, I'm an ass with an agenda. I've got a plan!" I crossed my arms.

"Which is?" Cooper mimicked my position, crossing his arms.

I paused, thinking. "They can't properly contact me over the phone. I won't go to them, so they're going to have to come to me. If I don't know what the threat is, I can't be threatened by it."

Cooper shook his head. "You're one strange chick."

"And you're one strange dick," I replied crossly. The phone rang in my hand.

I snapped it open with a flourish.

"Ahsper, this is the 15th time today." Nemesis paused on the other side of the line. Why was he calling me? His goons were the ones who had been calling me. What changed?

"Hello! You've reached the hotline for boys with big egos and tiny dicks! How may we assist you today?" I floated next to Cooper, putting the phone on speaker.

"You can assist me by not hanging up this time." He hissed.

I hummed in reply, thinking about it.

"Listen, we need you to go to-"

Click! I snapped the phone shut.

Cooper looked at me in exasperation. "Are you ever going to get tired of this?"

"Nope!" I exclaimed, laughing. This brought me joy.

The phone rang again. I let it ring a few times, thinking of an elevator tune to hum.

"Du doo du doo duo," I hummed, opening the phone. "I'm sorry, The person you are trying to reach is not available. You have been placed on hold." I continued to hum, ware of the frustration radiating from the phone.

"Ahsper, I swear, your singing is insufferable!" Marcus shouted from the other end of the phone.

Oh good, he noticed! I was trying to hum off-key.

"One moment. You have been redirected. The person you are trying to contact has gone on breakfast break. Please fill out the online survey for stupid little shits with nothing better to do in their spare time than to harass ghostly girls-" I was cut off by Marcus.

"Ahsper, stop this or else I'll-"

Click! I snapped the phone shut.

Was I smug?

Yes. Yes, I was.

Smug, smuuuugggg, smug, smug, smug.

I liked that word. Smuuuuuug.

I was unashamedly smug.

Cooper leaned toward me and reached for the phone in my hands. "That's enough for today." His fingers grazed the gray cover of the phone.

"No!" I pulled the phone away from his grasp. "If I let it go to voicemail, they'll win. They'll be able to give me the instructions and threaten me!"