The Little Black Book for Girlz: A Book on Healthy Sexuality

When I was 14, I met this guy.

When I was 14, I met this guy. We dated for five months and then we decided we were ready to have sex. I thought meeting him was the best thing that had ever happened and that the fact that I had met him would change my life forever. I was right, in a way; meeting him did change my life and having sex with him changed my life forever.

We had it all planned. Friday night, his parents went to their cottage and we went to his house. We smoked a joint to settle us down, then we watched a movie. Then we started to kiss and then we moved into his bedroom. We got to that point, the point we had never gotten to, new territory. I was scared but totally excited. He kept asking if I was OK with it all—he was great. Well, finally we did it and it was ... OK. I guess I expected rainbows and a cloud bursting, even though I knew better.

One of the problems was that the condom was hard to put on and it kinda fell off, but I was sure that was fine. I mean, we were both virgins so what else did we need to worry about? Nothin' right?! WRONG!

Three weeks later, I threw up in the morning. I felt like shit. I had no idea what was wrong. At school, I felt fine but not normal. I have this friend, Alison. She's the best and we usually get our periods around the same time. Mine is sometimes a little more irregular but as my mom says,"It's normal for a girl your age to have irregular menstrual cycles." (Why can't she say period instead of menstrual cycle?!) So Alison and I get our periods around the same time and, well, she'd had hers a week ago and I still hadn't had mine!

Alison knew I had just had sex; she was a pro in that department. So I asked her if maybe she thought I could be pregnant. We laughed, I guess partly 'cause it made us nervous and partly 'cause it would be just my luck to get pregnant the first time I had sex!!! But you know, I still didn't believe I could be, I just thought it was the flu.

Alison took me to this clinic she goes to get the Pill. It was okay, lots of young people. I was so worried I would see someone I knew. The nurse got me to pee in a cup and then I had to wait for what seemed like hours. The thing was that I still thought there was no way I would be pregnant, no way, no way. Well, you can imagine how shocked I was when the nurse came in and sat down with that sad sup- portive smile they all have and said I was pregnant.

OK, so life's over, end of the world, cannot tell anyone, might as well die right now!!!!

The nurse told me all this shit about my "options." I wasn't really listening. All I could think was: "I am never having sex again." When I left, they suggested I come back in a day or two to discuss my "options." I went home and lay on my bed and just stared into space, blanked out big time.

The next day, I figured I had to tell my stupid sperm-carrying boyfriend. He was pretty cool about it all, suddenly Mr. Adult. He said he would come to the clinic with me after school. 

This time when the nurse at the clinic talked about options, I was listening. I guess what I figured out was I had two options: 1. Have the baby, be disowned by my mother, quit school, have this child depend on me forever, never go out again ... life over. 2. Have an abortion, kill a baby, and feel like a murderer for the rest of my life. Great options. Thanx everyone!!!

I think the nurse could see my stress; she asked my sperm-carrying boyfriend to leave us alone for a bit. Then she explained a lot of stuff.

We went over the having-a-child option: reviewed the costs involved, the places I could live, and where I could go to school. Then she explained abortions to me. She told me it wasn't a baby but an embryo and that at this point it was just a mass of tissue. She explained the procedure and how I might feel and then she started to talk about choice and that it is important that I have the "choice." I was learning that "options" and "choice" were two words these people liked a whole lot.

I went away to think again for a day or two. My boyfriend wasn't a whole lot of help. He didn't want to sway me one way or the other, but he also didn't really want to be involved.

I thought and thought and thought and thought some more. In the end I had an abortion. It changed my life forever. I realize now, two years later, it was the right decision, but it still sucks. I will always wonder what would my child have been like? Would it be a boy or girl? Would it have my brown curly hair or his red straight hair? The thing was, we broke up a few weeks after. We would never have lasted as a couple. I was happy in a way because it supported my decision. I also made the basketball team last year, which would not have happened if I were a mom.

I don't know. It was the hardest decision I had made at 14. Maybe I should have spent more time thinking about the sex that got me to that point. I guess I screwed up, but at least I had a "choice" (there's that word again) about what to do. If I could do it all again, what would I do? I don't know. I'd never agreed with abortion before, nor does my family, but in the end it made sense. I wish it were easier so I could give other girls real advice, but it's not. It's a really personal, intense thing, and like I said earlier, having the options, having the ability to choose what is right for you, is key and that goes for all sorts of areas in my life. I guess in the end, I learned a lot from this really shitty situation.

Anonymous, 16