Save Me ; Yoonmin ✅

3

The walk back home was quiet. Other than the occasional small talk there wasn't much talking, and I kind of liked it. I looked up at the sky while we walked home. I had begun to get dark and you could slowly see stars appearing in it. I was really caught up in the stars until I felt eyes on me.

I looked back down and saw Yoongi staring, but he quickly looked away. He was probably just staring at me because I'm fat. He's probably disgusted by me, just like the other members, just like fans.

I put my hood up and looked down toward my shoes for the rest of the walk. I couldn't handle more judging looks at this moments. When we got home I immediately went up to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I know it was too late to throw up now and I felt really sad, you know the kind of sad that you feel drags you down. The kind of sad that makes you, ironically, feel heavier and tired.

I can't believe I ate. I hate myself so much. I stood up when I remembered something I saw on the internet before. It was terrible, but people say it makes you feel better, and hey, it's worth a try, right? I reached to the cabinet and got out a razor. I looked at it and hesitated. My thoughts went dark again.

You're fat

You don't belong in BTS

You're useless

Before I know it, I had sliced the blade across my skin a few times. My eyes went wide in shock and my breathing got heavier. Did I really just do that? It stung, but in some way, it was nice. It felt like a relief. I quickly hid the razor in one of the drawers and pulled my sleeves down. I just stood there for a few minutes thinking about what I had just done. I softly rubbed my arm as I made my way to the door. I unlocked it and made my way to my bed.

I sat down on it while my arms slightly burned, and looked at the time; 00:13. Everyone was probably asleep since we have practice again tomorrow morning.

I went to lay down as well and just stared at the ceiling. Time slowly ticked by and I was kind of shocked to see it was already 04:35 when I next looked at it. Have I really been staring at a ceiling lost in thought for over four hours? I sat up and rubbed my face. I'm not going to sleep anymore anyway, so I better do something useful.

I grabbed a hoodie and silently made my way outside. I stayed in front of the door a few seconds to make sure no one had heard me or tried to follow me. I started jogging. Bad thoughts kept rushing in my head.

I'm fat

I started running faster.

I'm so fat

The thoughts didn't go away and I kept running faster and faster until I was sprinting. After a few minutes I stopped. My vision was blurry and I felt my heartbeat in my head. I went to a pair of swings close by and sat on one of them, while trying to calm my breathing. After a few minutes had passed I decided to walk back. I was really satisfied with this run, I probably burnt so many calories!

I slowly walked in and made my way to the kitchen and made myself some tea. After it was done, I made my way into the living room to drink my tea.

"Hey, you're up early." My head turned to the stairs, it was Yoongi. I smiled.

"Yeah, couldn't sleep anymore" I said as Yoongi made his way over to me.

"I'm gonna make some breakfast, what can I make for you?" I panicked at the thought of any food, I mean I had just burned all those calories, I can't get them back again.

"Oh I've been up for a while, I already had breakfast." I grabbed my tea and took a sip. I couldn't look him in the eye, Yoongi always seemed to know when I was lying, but it seemed like this time he bought it. He nodded and walked in the kitchen.

Yoongi walked back into the room a few minutes later with some cereal and flopped down next to me on the sofa. I looked to my left and was greeted by a sleepy smile that made my heart beat faster. I gave a quick smile back before turning my head to my tea again. I can't do this, I can't have a crush on him. He probably thinks I'm disgusting anyway.

I felt sad and slowly finished my tea.

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