Can we try again?

Fifty-Seven

Sometimes you meet someone new and you can suddenly start to feel your world gradually tilting on its axis, changing for the better.
This was me after my encounter with Kenny. I don't know what it was but I was just so interested in the fact that he was interested in me. My level of excitement had increased rapidly. Just the mere thought of going to work and setting eyes on him made my heart jump for joy. It'd been nearly two weeks since our first encounter, and ever since then, I've always been eager to seeing him.

He dropped me off at home everyday, after work. He'd park his car just by the gate and we'd spend like ten minutes just sat there chatting and laughing. With Kenny, there was always something to talk about. He was so easy to talk to which made it even better. Ours wasn't a conversation filled with awkward silences. And then, every time I made the move to open the door to leave, he'd come up with a something else and we'll carry on talking or giggling about it. It was as though he wanted to spend as much time as he could with me, as did I. Eventually, I'd finally remember that I have a son inside waiting for his momma to come home and I'd force myself to step out of the car. Even at that, our talks usually carried on from the car to the phone, via calls or texts, where he'd consistently remind me about the date I owed him. And my response to him was the same, "Just be patient."

Honestly, I was looking forward to going on a date with Kenny, but I too needed to be patient. I didn't want to rush into things, or get my hopes too high and then end up being disappointed. I don't think I would be able to handle any kind of disappointment at this stage. I needed to be sure that I wasn't excited for all the wrong reasons. I needed to know what I was getting myself into before I decided to go for it. It's all about testing the waters before you decide to leap in. But then every time I thought of a future with Kenny in it -which was almost all the time now - my heart gets filled with so much delight.

The way I felt inside, had started to reflect on my outward appearance. I began to put my effort into my looks, wear nicer looking clothes that accentuated my curves. I moved on from just wearing mascara to using a bit of foundation and lipstick. I had to look nice . . . not for Kenny, but for me, at least that's what I told myself.
But deep down, I knew I was kidding myself. It was all for him. I wasn't too bothered until I met him.

People at work had begun to see the changes in me. According to them, I was "brighter than usual," "glowing," "shining," and I would respond with a shy smile and a thank you. I felt giddy, pumped up, like a secondary school girl whose crush had finally noticed her and decided to ask her out.

Although I was super excited about Kenny, I was still trying to keep things on the low. I mean, it'd been only two weeks, so it was still premature to announce it to anyone yet. I wanted to be a hundred per cent sure before I began to delve deeper into this. No one knew about him, not even Ijeoma. When the time comes though, she would definitely be the first to know.

A small part of me couldn't help but feel sceptical about Kenny, but the dominant part of me was willing to take the risk and enjoy every moment of this. I've never had an admirer since I've had Jameel, therefore I was going to relish this as much as I can and hopefully it would turn out to be a win-win for everyone.

Some nights were a battle for me. After my long late night conversation with Kenny, and me ending up smiling like a Cheshire cat, a little voice in my head would remind me of my weaknesses.

You're not allowed to feel this way about him. You can't date him. What about Jameel? How do you think he'll feel about this? Do you really think you'll be able to convince Jameel that Kenny is his dad? You're a mother, your life should be solely devoted to your child.

These thoughts would immediately extinguish my smile, snapping me back to reality, making me rethink. Do I really want to go out with Kenny? Am I ready for a relationship?