Can we try again?

Ninety-eight

"Daddy!!!" Jameel shrieked, pointing forward. "Mummy look, it's daddy. Daddy!!!" He called out again and with that, he immediately let go of my hand, charging towards Daniel.

"Jameel!!!!" I bellowed after him. "Don't run off." But he was already gone.

"This boy!" I muttered furiously to myself, increasing my pace towards them, just to make sure that it wasn't a complete stranger Jameel had thrown himself at. But it wasn't. It was Daniel. He had picked Jameel up throwing him up in the air, making him giggle.

A surge of affection coursed through me as I spotted Daniel. But this was instantly replaced with annoyance with Jameel for taking off like that and then indignation towards Daniel for. . . For Kim?

What on earth was he doing here, outside my place?

"Jameel," I yelled as I approached them. "What is wrong with you? Why did you run off like that?"

"But it's . . .it's daddy!" Jameel said, as if that made it okay.

"I know, but you don't let go of mummy's hands next time and run off like that, do you hear me?" I realised that I was practically shouting now. Jameel's bottom lips quivered, and his eyes glistened with tears. He tore himself slowly from his dad's grip and walked to me, his head down.

Instant guilt washed over me. I shouldn't be reacting like this. I shouldn't be yelling at a child like a madwoman when deep down it was his father I was mad at. I took a deep breath. And then for the first time, I looked up at Daniel.

"Why are you here?" I demanded. "What do you want?" It was harsh, I knew that, but I didn't care.

"It's nice to see you too Samira," he said with sarcasm, smiling a little.

I didn't budge. With a straight face, I glared at him. "Why are you here, Daniel?"

The little smile was wiped away from his face when he saw that I was in no mood to joke around. "I uh. . .okay, I didn't know what else to do, how else to reach you." His gaze on me was intense. "I was worried about you Samira."

There was something in the way he said those words. My stomach flipped.
I looked away. "Yeah, I've been busy." I said casually. 

There was silence again. "Well," I started. "So, you've seen now Daniel. I'm fine. Everything is fine. You can go now and we've got to go too." I gestured towards my flat.

"Uhm wait, Samira. I don't know if you saw my text message, but one of the reasons why I came here is because I just wanted to ask you something." Daniel said.

"Alright." I said, now aware of my hurting fingers from where I've been holding the bag of groceries I bought earlier. "What is it?"

"It's about what happened the last time we were all together." Daniel spoke cautiously, unsure of my reaction. I knew what he meant, but I played it cool.

"Oh, yeah, that. It's nothing," I said. "Like I told you then, I was not feeling  well and I. . ."

"Samira, please. You and I know it's more than that. Please." There was urgency in his voice. I wondered what Kim might have told him. Or not. "What really happened that evening?"

I sighed. "Okay." He knew something was up. He could see through my bullshit.
So, I had two options. We could stand outside, in front of my flat, in the cold, and talk about what happened. Or I could invite him inside and have that conversation with him.
But then again, I didn't want Daniel to come inside my house. It felt too intimate - and intimacy was what I was avoiding. However, we couldn't exactly stand outside in the cold having this discussion. I needed to put my groceries away. . .And Jameel had to be in bed early and ready for school tomorrow.

"Okay." I repeated. "Jameel, come one. Let's go inside."

The little boy looked at me, not sure whether he should ask or not. He looked like he was going to cry. I rarely yell at him, and that's because he doesn't give me much reason to. So I knew I definitely scared him tonight by shouting at him.

"Is. . .is daddy coming too?" He finally asked. His voice was quiet.

"Yes, Jameel." I said and from the corner of my eye, I saw his lips contort in a smile.

"Here, let me help you with that." Daniel offered. Without waiting for a response from me, he took the bag of groceries from my hand.

Jameel stretched out one hand for his dad to hold and slipped his other hand in mine.
Daniel threw me a look and I couldn't help but smile. It felt natural. Just the three of us.

You better not get used to it, the little voice in my head reminded.

Upstairs inside my flat, I made Daniel comfortable, offering him a cup of tea and giving him the TV remote to flicker through the channels. I was glad that the house was somewhat tidy. Yes, I acted like I didn't care what Daniel thought about me, but deep down I still wanted to make a good first impression.

As he sat in the living room, sipping his tea and watching TV, I gave Jameel a bath and got him ready for bed. Although he protested, simply because he wanted to "watch telly with daddy," I reminded him of the scene he caused the morning before.

"Jam Jam, I don't want you crying like you did yesterday. You need to get enough sleep."

"Fine." He huffed. "But mummy can I go and say goodnight to daddy before I sleep?" How would I have said no to him? How would I have stopped that from happening? That would have been cruel.

Indeed, it was a beautiful sight to behold. Jameel throwing himself at Daniel, saying "Goodnight daddy." And Daniel planting him with kisses, tickling him and getting loads of laughter from him. I grinned from ear to ear as I watched the pair of them. A warm, affectionate feeling coursed through me.

I wish it was as easy as this. Why can't it be as easy as this?

Once Jameel was in bed. I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and went to join Daniel in the living room.