Can we try again?

Eighty-two

Samira

It took everything in me to press 'send' after typing that message. But after I did, I felt a strange sense of calm wash over me. Relief too. I phoned Oma the following day and it was evident in her scream that she was happy.

"Finally o!" She exclaimed. "You grew the balls to message him."

I told Bernie too and she invited me over to celebrate with a bottle of wine.
I was happy too. And proud of myself for making that bold step.

But after the second day without a reply from him, I started to panic. Surely he must have received my text. I checked countless times that it was he right number I texted. And it was. So why hadn't he texted back then?
At least, a message to acknowledge that he's gotten the message would put my mind at ease.

"You got to understand how he's feeling at the moment. It's quite daunting finding out that you have a son, one you never knew of." Bernie said to me over the phone. She'd called me that day to check up on Jameel who wasn't feeling too well. And I had swiftly and selfishly steered the conversation back to Daniel.

I understood her point, but at the same time I was finding it hard to understand.

"But he should at least message to let me know he's received the message, or something." I complained.

"Give it time. Give him time. Put yourself in his shoes. He's probably shitting his pants right now, you know?" She said, giggling.

"Yeah," I said, miserably. "Or maybe he thinks I'm a crazy person making a silly joke or something.

"Maybe. Or maybe the man is just processing the information you threw at him. Be patient. Give him time to take all of it in."

I was being patient. I was trying. And the more the days passed the more my anxiety rocketed.
He's never gonna call me back. He's married now and maybe has a child with his wife. He's not going to be bothered at all. I mean, why would he be? It's been years.

By Friday, I'd given up all hope on the situation. It was nearly a week now and still no reply. I made a note to myself to forget about him. To go back to pretending that he didn't exist. I was doing just fine before the knowledge of him. And I'll continue to do fine. I wasn't gonna let it drag me down into the hole of despair.

On Friday, I left work hours earlier than I usually do, with a promise to my boss that I would carry on at home and finish up all my outstanding work. As a result of that I was able to make it just in time to pick Jameel up from school myself. He wasn't expecting me to be the one to pick me up and when he saw me he raced to give me a hug.
And almost immediately, he started talking about his day at school and everything he'd done, showing me the sticker stuck to his jumper.

"I got a sticker for sitting nicely on the carpet and turning on my listening." He told me.

"Oh wow! That's amazing Jam Jam." I praised him and he beamed with pride. If only he'd turn on his listening ears at home too. Sometimes I feel like the kid behaves better in school than he does at home.

I scanned the area for Bernie and then I realised that she wasn't going to be picking up her kids as they were going over for a play date with some other kids.

We traipsed to the MacDonald's down the road simply because Jameel kept on reminding me of the promise I made to him to get him a Happy Meal and a milk shake. I knew if I didn't get him one, he'd ramble on about it all weekend. So for peace's sake, I decided to fulfill my promise to him. It was better even, because this way I don't get to cook anything. I needed to finish up with the project I'm working on.