Dreamer

Chapter Nineteen: There She Goes Again

Now take a look, there's no tears in her eyes

Like a bird, you know she would fly

When you have high expectations, you often find yourself disappointed and disillusioned with the world, because nothing will ever satisfy your standards.

”Don’t expect too much out of life.” They say that this is the only way to find true happiness.

But then… if you keep your expectations low, aren’t you just settling for less? You ignore the far-fetched wishes in the back of your mind, afraid that letting one loose will unravel the content little life you wove. Stifling away your hopes and dreams, desperate to just be happy with what you have…

I never expected a lot out of life, and yet I never found myself happy. What was happiness? The joy I felt on the first Saturday every month as a child, when they’d give us little ice cream sandwiches for dessert at the orphanage? Or that time when I thought I was going to be adopted… When I was finally considered ‘too old’ for the orphanage, but was instead put in a youth home…

Or perhaps the time I met Vince. I was barely fifteen, and I had just run away from the home. It was the middle of winter, and the cold weather was unmerciful. I was curled up into a shivering ball, pressed against a building. I huddled closed to myself, and looked up only when I heard the clattering of coins in the rusty can I had found. “T—thank you.” I stammered.

The man observed me with a smile, so I did the same. He had curly dark hair and dark eyes to match. He seemed fairly young and attractive. His smile appeared kind and inviting; it made me want to like him, and trust him.

“Ah, what’s a pretty little girl like you doing out on the streets? Tsk, tsk.”

“I-I’m not a little girl…”

“But you are pretty.” His smile broadened. “I’ll see you around. Ciao, Bella!”

And thus began a beautiful friendship. Well, actually… he came by a few more times before propositioning me, offering the whole “you work for me, I’ll give you a place to stay” song and dance. Now, I was never a naïve kid, I knew when I got there what kind of operation Vince was running, and exactly what he wanted out of me. And I complied.

I suppose that my dislike for Vince was unfounded for the most part. He had treated me with genuine kindness, and had offered me a choice. I still didn’t like him a whole lot, though.

Anyway, if high expectations and low expectations couldn’t make me happy, what could?

”Money can’t buy happiness.” Couldn’t it? I thought that the root of my problems was the fact that I couldn’t take care of myself or do what I wanted because I didn’t have money. Many times I’d feel miserable when I’d tell my school friends I couldn’t go out with them because I wasn’t allowed, or I was busy, when really, it was because I’d had only nickels and dimes to my name.

Well, here I was, making five figures, still as miserable as ever. ‘Why can’t I be happy?’ I’d ask myself. ‘Don’t I deserve it?’

I had my money, I had my realistic goals… what was I missing? Love, I guess. The love of family, friends… and perhaps even romantic love. I was lonely, of that I was sure.

And when I came to Sweet Amoris High… It was a wonderful feeling. For the first time, I had real friends who cared about me… who wanted to be with me…

And I had Castiel. Or so I thought.

The pursuit of happiness is an endless journey, I suppose. Because when I found Castiel with Amber… words weren’t enough to describe how I felt. Shocked… confused… betrayed… I didn’t know. It was like having every rotten emotion thrown at you at once.