Dreamer

Chapter Twenty: Feel the Silence

You lie awake at night

With blue eyes that never cry

All you remember now

Is what you feel

“What?!” Castiel sat up.

“B…break up with Amber.” I repeated, gingerly sitting up. I regret those words as soon as they left my lips. What on Earth came over me?! Well, now that I’d said what I was thinking, I’d have to go along with it. I braced myself for Castiel’s response.

“I heard you the first time. What the Heck is wrong with you?”

I sighed. “Look, Castiel. I know you’re doing this to bug me… so just stop putting yourself through this misery.”

“I think you’re a bit confused.” He growled. “What makes you think I’m doing this because of you? What reason would I have?” He shook his head in disbelief.

Yeah… maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Especially since Castiel and I had only just re-established our friendship. But it wasn’t something I wanted to stay quiet about. He couldn’t possibly actually like her! The thought was scary. He was just trying to make me angry and he knew it! The worst part? It was working!

“Because you like me!” I blurted out. I winced inwardly as soon as those words escaped. I put a hand over my mouth and reddened.

Castiel glared at me. “Oh, shut up and get over yourself—because obviously I did. What did you expect? What—just because I can’t have you, I can’t have anyone else either? You turned me down. You can’t get upset with me.”

I shook my head. “So you’re over it? Just like that? Do I mean so little to you? Those times you kissed me… they were just nothing? It didn’t seem like that.”

“Hey. Why are you arguing with me? You are the one who refused. Yeah, its ‘complicated’—hate to break it to you, but everyone’s life is. You can’t expect me to wait around until you’ve got everything figured out.”

Tears blurred my vision. ‘Not going to cry, not going to cry…’ I lowered my head.

“You’re the one who screwed up. I’m just trying to get along with my life and be happy. I don’t see why you need to incessantly bring up crap that doesn’t matter anymore.”

‘Doesn’t matter anymore?’

“Geez, Des, you want us to be friends, but then you won’t tell me a single thing? You don’t trust me enough? I don’t understand you.”

I didn’t understand why I did the things that I did either. Everything he had to say… it was breaking my heart. I just wanted to tell him everything… I’d told Nathaniel and survived. Why would it be any different if I told Castiel? I glanced at his face, and took in the confusion of emotions painted openly for me to see.

All his points were valid. What was I doing? How could I possibly expect him to be open with me and confide in me, when I couldn’t do the same? Yeah, I had secrets, but if we were as close as I thought we were… why couldn’t I tell him? 

There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the words. How could I tell him? With Nathaniel, I had just stumbled into it—literally. Castiel didn’t deserve to be strung around by me. How could I have been so cruel to him? Would he not be better off if I just left him alone?

Maybe he found in Amber something that I’d never seen. If that was the case, then I should have just let them be happy together—the unhappiest man is the loneliest man.