Listen~ CaptainSwan AU

Chapter 37: Heartache

Hey everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I've updated! So, on my instagram, I put up a poll asking if you guys would prefer a long chapter or two chapters that were shorter. Most of you voted for two shorter ones to get a chapter sooner, so here's one! The next one should come soon, promise!

The Puma hopes you enjoy ☺️

Killian's P.O.V:

When I looked at the sticks... and they were negative... my heart broke. Truly, it did. And seeing Emma's face fall and her eyes fill with tears? I almost couldn't keep it together. In that moment, we could feel each other's pain. Our hearts ached together.

Holding Emma seems to be the only comfort I can get at the moment. I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to do much else. I've been doing my best to stay strong for her, to let her lean on me, but it isn't easy. We want this more than anything, and yet, it seems to be the only thing we can't have.

Getting home was fine. More than fine- good, actually. Being back here and seeing our family made us both feel better within seconds. Until... Liam and Regina announced the pregnancy.

I look over at Emma. She seems to be in shock. Everybody in the room gets up to congratulate them, cheering, whistling, but there she is, just sitting there. Frozen. Her eyes are filling with tears, but it's as if she doesn't even know it.

Then she gets up, heads over to Regina, chokes out a congratulations, and walks upstairs. My heart sinks. I almost want to run upstairs and hide, too, but I don't. I know that's not the way to deal with this. For Emma... that's just how she's always dealt with tough things, I suppose.

I can't blame her, though. I know she blames herself for our current inability to get pregnant... One of us has to think rationally right now, so... the burden seems to fall on me. I sigh.

"What was that about?" Regina asks, coming up to me with crossed arms and a worried expression.

I wipe what tears have appeared in my eyes, take a breath, and look up.

"We ehm... we've been trying. For a baby, I mean... for quite some time now. All we get is one negative test after the other," I explain, struggling to keep my voice steady.

All we want is a child. A child to love and raise together, to cherish and hold, but it seems that it isn't in our future. Seeing that my own brother gets the only thing I want, without even wanting it in the first place... it's more than difficult. Deep down, no matter how hard I try not to be, I'm upset. Because it isn't bloody fair.

"Oh... gosh. I'm- I'm sorry, we-"

"No, no don't you apologize for having something brilliant in your life. Truly, this is fantastic, Regina. I'm happy for you two. I'm just... I'm going to check on Emma," I say with a pained smile, excusing myself.

I didn't lie. I do feel incredibly happy for them. I just... failed to mention the immense disappointment in my heart that... I can't have the same thing with the woman I love.

"Emma, love? Where are you, darling?" I call around the upstairs. Emma calls back to me faintly. From her voice, I can tell she's been crying. I know the feeling.

"Hey..." I say softly. I find her in the bathroom of our room, sitting on the floor. She holds something tightly in her hands, squeezing. Almost angrily.

"Negative. They're all negative," she whispers tearfully.

"What do you mean...?" I ask.

"I mean these stupid tests are negative, they're always fucking negative!" She shouts out in frustration, tossing three pregnancy tests across the room. I sigh, glancing over at them and... just as expected, they're negative.

"I'm sorry," Emma mutters, her hands covering her face. "I didn't mean to yell. I just... I'm sorry that I cant do this," she cries.

"Shhh, no, Emma, no," I whisper in an attempt to soothe her. "Come here," I say softly, my voice breaking.

She crawls into my lap. Tucks her head into my chest. I can feel her shaking as she cries in my arms, and right now, it's the second most heartbreaking thing in the world. The first being... well, our lack of a baby.

My tears fall into her hair as I hold her. Emma hugs me tighter, comforting the both of us in the only way we know how to right now.

After a few minutes, the both of us seem to calm down with each other's presence. Emma gives me a weak smile and reaches up to wipe my tears gently. I do the same for her, pressing a kiss to her forehead before she rests her head against my chest once more.

"This won't last forever, right? It can't. I can't take it much longer," Emma admits, sounding just... tired. Her eyes are dry of tears now, but her words drip wet with sadness.

"We're going to get through this, Swan. Yes, the odds are, unfortunately, against us, but when haven't they been? We can overcome this. We'll get our little one."

Emma lets out what seems to be a more relaxed sigh and nods.

"You're right. I'm sorry I freaked out and came up here and everything, I just... it hurt, you know? Of course you know, you want this just as much as I do..." Emma trails off.

I place a finger under her chin and tilt her head up to look at me.

"I know," I say softly, offering her a small smile.

"Let go downstairs. They're all probably wondering what the hell got into us- or me, really," Emma sighs.

"Wait..." I stop her. She looks at me questioningly. "Can I just... can I just hold you? For a little while?"

Her face softens. She takes my hand and helps me stand up, then leads me to our bed. She pushes me gently to lay down, then lays little loving kisses all over my face. Her lips land on mine and I can't resist the urge to wrap my arms around her.

"I love you more than anything," Emma whispers against my lips. She tucks her head under my chin and nuzzles into me.

I let out a heavy breath I didn't know I was holding.

We don't even notice when over an hour passes until David comes upstairs to check on us. Seeing the expressions on our faces and our current position, he does us the favor of ending the get together.

Regina and Robin come up with Andrew to say goodbye, and leave soon after with everybody else. Emma and I are just starting to drift off when she suddenly sits up.

"We have to put Molly and Henry to bed."

We get up. Having gotten so caught up in our sadness of not being able to get pregnant, we nearly forgot the children we already have.

Make no mistake, Emma and I love Henry and Molly with all of our hearts... but it doesn't quench our desire for a child created by the two of us.

When we get downstairs, we find Molly and Henry asleep on the couch. Molly has her head resting in Henry's lap while Henry leans against the pillows around him.

"Should we just leave them?" Emma whispers to me.

"Aye. I don't have the heart to wake them. I'll grab a blanket."

After covering our kids, we head back upstairs to change for bed. As I pull my shirt over my head, I spot Emma glancing over at me in the mirror, almost nervously as she bites her lip.

"What?" I ask with a smirk. "See something you like?"

"Always," she teases, coming over to drape her arms around my neck with nothing on but her underclothes.

But her expression doesn't hold purely love and lust. There's a request in her eyes.

"What?" I ask again.

"Can we... try before we sleep?" Emma asks quietly.

I smile softly, then nod.

"I'd like nothing more."