Alice in Wonderland

Chapter 16

Chapter 16

My mood has lifted ever so slightly, but I refuse to believe it's because of my medication. It doesn't make me as dizzy, but I still feel drowsy and particularly numb. I'm supposed to let my therapist know how I'm reacting to my medicine and I've thought about lying and saying it's been making me ill. As much as I rather not be on it, I don't want lying to become second nature to me.

I spent yesterday night in the gameroom with some of the younger boys. Logan had showed me how to download music on my phone and I stayed up most of the night playing with it. There were a few of Josh's songs that I like, but most of them were loud and vulgar so I enjoy discovering ones that I like. I'd tell him about it, but I know he'll laugh because most of them don't have words.

I exit the school, keeping my head down so I don't see all the people surrounding me. I decided to leave on time today, wanting to attempt to face the crowds of people. I still haven't gone back to the cafeteria, but this is a start, I suppose.

I stop in my tracks and hesitantly lower my headphones onto my shoulders when I see the crowd around Tyler's car. I can't see what everyone is looking at, but I hear shouting and I see movement through the cracks of people.

Josh is leaning on a car close by, laughing with a guy I've never seen before and I quickly approach him.

"What's going on?" I ask, keeping an eye on the crowd in case something comes at me or I can see what everyone else sees.

Josh's laughter slows down and his familiar smirk comes back. "You've ever had two guys fight over you before?"

"What?" I ask. Maybe he didn't hear me talk.

"Not many girls get guys fighting over them," Josh explains, still confusing me. "Especially from the same bloodline."

I start to feel frustrated that he's avoiding my question and turn to the crowd when I hear familiar voices.

"You fucking knew!" I hear Tyler's voice. I step closer, trying to see over the shoulders and phones held in the air. "You just have to have everything, don't you?"

There's a pause and I hear someone coughing, but I can't see if it's the person arguing with Tyler. Why would Tyler fight someone? I haven't seen him argue with anyone besides Kyle.

Like a wave crashing against the shore, it hits me. I turn to Josh to see him still laughing at his brothers. I feel guilt when Kyle's voice floats over the crowd of students, confirming that I had put all the pieces together properly.

"It's her choice, not yours." Kyle growls. "Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself."

I hear them go after each other again and that's enough for me. I cover my mouth with my hands to stop the sobs and turn on my feet, walking quickly from the mess I created.

I put my music back on, hoping it will calm me down, but the tears keep coming. I walk as far from the fight as possible, disappearing beside the school and following the rail down to the field. I kick off my sandals, turning up my music as I walk towards the center of the field.

I fall onto the grass, feeling the blades bite at my exposed skin as I continue to cry. Josh's comment replays over in my head as I hear the sound of Tyler and Kyle hitting each other. I didn't mean for them to hate each other. I didn't even realize they thought of me as more than a friend. Did either of them say anything about liking me? I can't remember.

The music isn't helping me calm down so I take off my headphones, looking around at the grass in front of me. Just a few nights ago I watched Kyle play alongside his teammates, their cleats digging into the grass below me. I remember the sound of the ball against their shoes, the crowd cheering on both sides of the field when a goal was made. I remember Kyle's hair as he ran, the sweat soaking his clothes. His eyes never left the ball and I envied his passion. I don't think I feel passionate about anything.