The House Keeper

39.

I stayed holed up in this stupid hotel room for a week.

I cried between sessions over losing Cody, but there wasn't much I could do, he was my job. That was all.

He wasn't my child, or a relative. But he was someone I had come to love and adore.

I saw Percy every day after he finished work and we started house hunting. A place to rent for a while.

Percy owned his apartment, but it was tiny, not big enough for two people full time.

We saw some charming little houses, nearly a good two hours away from Oliver Blacks' gigantic home.

The further away, the better.

We looked at each house, holding hands and pitching ideas about each room and what to buy. I tried so hard to be happy with what I have. I threw smiles and laughed at his jokes, even if they weren't funny.

Sometimes I had slipped and didn't smile quick enough and I saw it in Percy's eyes. He knew, without me saying so. He knew I wasn't exactly happy, I wasn't exactly all his, my heart wasn't 100% in it.

I felt empty. The days droned on in boredom as I no longer had a child to chase after.

I met Percy's parents and siblings at a lunch and was quite happy he had a nephew and niece. But it still didn't fill the emptiness. It was a temporary band aid. They weren't Cody.

We announced our prolonged engagement and said we were going to have a small wedding and reception.

After a lengthy discussion with Percy, we agreed to a handful of people, a time and a place.

It was in a week's time. I had assured Percy I was ready, I was committed. The sooner the better.

I had purchased a nice white garden dress, because I didn't want a proper and traditional wedding dress.

The wedding was in the middle of the week. I had deliberately chose that day. Late in the afternoon, about 4pm. I knew it wouldn't be interrupted at that time. Someone, as far as I knew, was a nanny down and would be too busy picking up his nephew from daycare.

An early spring wedding.

****

The week and a bit flew by in a blink and I couldn't believe it was here.

My wedding day.

I had butterflies and I was jittery, but I ignored it all. I didn't want to know why I have them. I didn't want to dwell on it.

I have to move forward. One step at a time. Even if it's with Percy. Move forward with my life, not sitting in the what ifs and maybes. I can't think of any possibilities that started with a maybe.

Now I stood in a little closed off tent, staring at myself in the body length mirror. A makeshift dressing room. I fidgeted constantly, paced the small tent and each time I walked past that blasted mirror, I saw my reflection, staring back at me. Eyes filling with tears more each time I looked. The sadness radiating off me. Did I really want this?

I had my hair in loose waves down my back and small flowers pinned in my hair. The sides of my hair loosely pinned to the back.

It was an untraditional wedding. Just me and Percy in front of a celebrant. His family as guests.

I peeked out the tent. People were mingling. There were only about twenty people invited. We were holding it in a beautiful park that was in flower with early bloomers.

The aroma was nice and sweet. The leaves were lovely shades of green. I closed the flap of the tent, sighing.

I checked myself out again. The dress is on. The hair is done. The make is light and natural, a bit too light, but done. I checked my wedges. Done. Jewellery minimal.