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• t h i r t y • e i g h t •

Finn's POV:

"I-I think I love you, Millie," I choked out, feeling unbelievably vulnerable. I was terrified.

"You...You what?" she whispered quietly with a slight squint. 

"Don't make me say it again," I quietly groaned, tilting my head up to the ceiling for a moment in angst.

My eyes returned to hers, my chin returning to it's normal height. I could see her searching for something in my eyes, scanning each part of my face intensely. I could hear her try to control her unsteady breathing.

"You don't have to say anything back," I mumbled quickly, and she replied with a slow nod, "I just want you to know that I'm not mad." Her face relaxed at that last part, and maybe a little too much.

Because she looked down at our intertwined fingers, and smirked. 

Oh my God...

She looked back up at me, the other corner of her mouth turning up. Even her eyes were smiling.

"M-Millie?" I stuttered, apparently breaking her out of some kind of trance.

"Mhm?" she hummed in question, slowly removing her hands from mine, setting them down in her lap.

"Never mind," I sighed, and stood up from the floor. I walked over to the closed door.

"Where are you going?" Millie asked as I wrapped tender fingers around the door knob.

"To think," I replied, and opened the door. I walked out into the living room, and grabbed my white hoodie from the coat stand. I threw my hood over my head, the white contrasting against my black hair. I grabbed a key and walked out of the condo. I took a cab to set, having mixed feelings while I typed in the gate password.

I walked on to the set lot, and looked around for a moment. The Wheeler's house, where Millie kissed me on the cheek in the blanket fort. The manhole in front of my trailer where Millie and I kissed in the rain that one night. The lamp post where we had our little photo shoot with Joe.

Even though I was alone, she was always there in some capacity. There was no escape.

I leaned forward and started towards our trailer. I walked in, and went straight for the bookshelf beside the purple love seat. I reached down to a lower shelf, and scanned the book spines until my eyes landed on the worn jacket of my journal. 

I took my journal from the shelf and Millie's pencil case from the coffee table, and walked over to our small dining table. I sat down in my chair, placing the stuff on the surface. I unzipped the pencil case and took out a black mechanical pencil. I opened the book to the next blank page, and found myself at a loss for words.

I didn't know what was going on. I was confused, and I felt, I felt sort of...

Numb?

I think that's the best way to describe it. I felt relieved that I finally told Millie I loved her. But I also felt like I had handed a part of me over to her when I told her.

I wrote what was on my mind, getting lost in my own thoughts. I dated the paper at the top of the page, finding myself angry as I etched my signature underneath my writing.

I was upset. I was empty. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

No, I hadn't excepted her to say 'I  love you' back, but I just thought that she would at least say something.

A hot tear rolled down my cheek, sliding over my freckles and dropping off my chin.

"Why the fuck am I crying..." I sniffled to myself, bringing the sleeve of my hoodie to wipe my face dry.