30 minute rule || Yoonmin

«4» Long night

I turned the knob to the shower closing the curtain and walking over to my mirror so I could give the water enough time to warm up. I jump onto the counter reaching down into my pocket grabbing and taking out a tattered box of cigarettes along with my lucky blue lighter. I took one of the sticks looking down at it before placing it between my lips and lighting the end to create a small cloud of smoke. As I took a drag of the cigarette i tossed the half empty box on the counter next to me feeling the warm water from the shower creating a humid atmosphere.

I closed my eyes and leaned back so that my back was against the mirror, the cloud of smoke I breathed out mixed with the steam of the shower making it harder to breath but it's not like I cared. I continued to smoke taking in long drags until I started to feel light headed from all the smoke and steam. I leaned forwards dropping the cigarette onto the ground right before I jumped off the counter squishing it under my bare foot feeling the sting, feeling it burn yet missing the feeling when it left.

I turned to look my self in the mirror and take off my shirt yet having to lean over to clean the steam off the mirror with my shirt. I winced when I got to see myself in the mirror, my bones sticking out seeing how my pale skin mold my bones.

« Damn do I really look like this? » I cringe placing my hand on my stomach which was caved in seeing my silver belly button ring shine in the mirror.

My hand snaked down to my hips bones which were pocked out just like my ribs. I closed my eyes and reached down to take down my pants and boxers before walking over to the scale in the corner. A small part of me wanted to just jump into the shower, scared of what number will show up on the little screen but another part of me wants to see that number and punish myself for how fat I had gotten. Yet after listening to second thought I stepped on the scale and watching the number slowly appear on the screen making me quickly step off and gasp.

« It wasn't suppose to get like this » I wrapped my arms around myself feeling how tears filled my eyes yet not falling.

I looked over my shoulder to see myself in the mirror again yet this time I saw a completely different person as I once saw and knew.

« Damn have I always looked like shit? » I asked myself as I reached up to touch my face, running my fingers across the dark circles under my eyes.

I shake away my thoughts walking over to the shower jumping in so I wouldn't have to look at myself anymore. I couldn't see myself like that, completely dead as if I could drop dead at any moment.

That is how I spent the rest of my shower, sobbing knowing that I need help but getting myself to actually try will be the hard part. yes I know I'm dying but I can't just stop, I can't just i don't know but i need to try.

~~

So once I got out of my shower I dried off and threw on my big white fluffy sweatshirt with some loose grey sweatpants along with my huge white fluffy socks that hung loose against my ankles. I sighed as I walked into my bedroom flopping my body onto my bed just staring up to the ceiling where I got caught up in my thoughts.

My thoughts of what happened last time I went to a eating disorder clinic, the way I got kicked out after not wanting to eat, watching my weight decrease and the fact I punched the shit out of someone. If you asked anyone there about me they would tell you how much of a bitch I was, I never wanted to have that reputation but I couldn't help it... I said it once and I'll say it again. Forced recovery doesn't work, yet this time I'm willing to give it a shot.