brave//5SOS

2

Emily

Startling me, Ashton walked into the room. I hadn't left.

"Emily, visiting hours were over a while ago. You can't just stay here, you need to go home, shower and sleep," he said quietly.

I turned my phone off, slipped it in my pocket and turned my focus to mum. I knew he was looking more carefully towards me, and the he noticed my eyes glistening from tears.

Ash knew I only cried at my breaking points. Where I snapped. Shattered. Exploded.

Calum and Michael walked in and stood with Ashton, the pair jumping when I started crying. It was hideous sobbing.

Ashton knelt infront of me, gently taking my hands and rubbing small circles on them. It was my comfort action, because hugs felt constricting; in times like this, I couldn't help it.

I felt so detached from my body, like a plastic doll with parts missing. With all the medicine I still had, my body felt fake enough. It didn't feel like it belonged to me.

"My brother won't reply and I can't bear their arguing anymore. Why can't I stay with you?" I sobbed.

"Please let me stay with you," I whispered to myself, "please. I'll do anything, I'll clean and stuff. Please don't make me go back, please don't make,"-

"I'm sure that maybe for a weekend you can stay with us... we have to ask your brother and get you some clothes though," he explained.

I took myself out of his arms and tried to stop crying. I failed.

"Hey, Emily, it's okay. The last thing we want is for you to be worked up, isn't it?"

"Yeah,"

"Deep breaths,"

He always calmed me well, Luke even better. They all did. Whatever magic they used worked- only one other person could do that.

"Thankyou,"

"Have you got everything?"

I nodded and stood, my dizzy head making it hard to focus. As we walked out the hospital, I kept close to Ashton.

I didn't feel great. Well, great was probably euphemism or something, I felt like I'd been hit round the head and punched in the stomach.

Calum and Michael sat in the front so Ashton could be with me in the back. I didn't want to leave the hospital, but I knew I couldn't argue with them.

They knew me too well for excuses.

"Emily, would you rather we dropped you off with Luke before we go to your brother's house?" Calum asked.

I nodded and started to tear up again. I hated the fact I wanted a hug. It made me feel weak. Not many people were allowed near me while I had cancer so I got through that with just the four boys, Tom and mum. She was so strong for me and I wanted to be the same for her.

It hurt me to know I put her in the position I was in. Twice. It wasn't even that long ago either.

I took hold of Ashton's hand and gripped it tightly, already feeling safer here than at home. My brother had found it hard when he couldn't see me and then just stopped talking to me overall. If he did, it would just be to remind me that I ruined the family.

There would be no problem with me staying for the weekend because it'd get me out the house.

Cancer had ruined my life. Not only my relationships, but I'd missed a lot of school and I felt really behind. That made me overwork myself because if I didn't, I couldn't prove that I was strong enough to do what everyone else could. I don't know who I was proving myself to.

Probably myself.

Cancer made me feel ugly. Worthless. Weak. Unwanted. Broken. Isolated.

I was always tired. I grew no hair. I felt behind at school.

Yet, these guys somehow made it feel okay.

Ashton was texting Luke but I couldn't read what it said. I hadn't seen Luke properly for a few months so I looked forward to that. Except, my mum was just laying there. Waiting.

I closed my eyes and leant my head back, trying to clear my mind. Ashton was right. I knew how important it was for me to keep warm, eat right, not tire myself out or walk for a long time. My mind was too taken over by my mum though.

It was an almost clear road, like I could see a future again, then boom. The cars crashed.

Our car came to a halt, and Calum climbed out.

"Go in, do everything Luke tells you and I'll see you later. Any food requests for the weekend?" Ashton said.

I shrugged and climbed out the car.

"Chocolate,"

Calum took me into the house and grabbed me a blanket while Luke stood in the kitchen cooking. I sat down on their sofa and snuggled into the cover ,watching as Calum left.

"How's my favourite person ever doing?" Luke asked.

He poured soup into two bowls and came over to me, turning the tv on. I took one of the bowls and lifted my arms up so we could share the cover before shuffling up to his body.

"Not great," I told him honestly. He was looking at me very carefully, taking in every detail.

"We can work with that,"

I waited for the soup to cool down before slowly eating it.

"I just... it doesn't matter. Everything makes me sound like a weak victim when I'm not the one laying in a hospital bed, hardly breathing on my own," I said.

"Emily, this does affect you too. It's not just your mum who is dealing with problems. You may be able to breathe on your own but you can't get through this alone. No one expects you to be a strong saviour who can deal with this at 14 - or any age,"

He put the bowl on the floor and his arm behind me on the sofa. Our relationship was something I was thankful for- he always knew what to do.

"I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to feel. I feel guilty, and angry, and sad- I'm still trying to focus on making myself better but the past few months I've been really struggling. It's got worse and worse,"

"You are allowed to struggle,"

"It feels so wrong though because she's been through more pain than me but I'm acting miserable. She pretended she wasn't when I was fighting,"

Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore so I went to put my bowl down, only for Luke to stop me.

"You need to finish that,"

"You don't get to choose how you feel about the situation Emily. It's not wrong to feel sad. It's not wrong to be angry or worried or struggling. That's normal and it's our job to help you through that. It gets dangerous when you don't tell us it's going on though, alright?" he explained.

"Why does she have to have it? Why couldn't I take it for her... she's the one person who was always there for me and soon she'll be gone,"