I Knew You Once [ Taylor York ]

7. I'm not Crying

A day passes and I realise that tonight Paramore is playing again. I've been avoiding to think about that, for many reasons. First of all I've been avoiding Taylor for the past 2 days. Secondly, there is the possibility of them playing Hate To See Your Heart Break, which I know will make me cry, for fucking sure. And lastly, I'm tired of seeing Taylor and not being able to express my feelings for him.

And I mean, it may seem easy, but it really isn't.

I just know that if I see him, I won't be able to hold back. And it scares me. I'm scared of him breaking my heart. And what if he doesn't feel the same? I would have to go back to my boring life, and back to having no one.

I know that he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. He's Taylor, he wouldn't kill a fly.

And Peter, well... All he does all day, every day is telling me to talk to Taylor.

I mean he isn't wrong.

And I know I'll regret it if I don't

I just a fucking mess, aren't I?

. . .

"Are you okay?" Peter wraps his arm around my shoulders.

"Yeah, it's okay" I am obviously not okay, but it's not the moment nor the place.

I look at the stage and look at Taylor for a second and I relax slightly.

The last chords of Tell me it's Okay sound and Hayley starts talking. She talks about Taylor and how good of a friend he is.

My eyes start to water. He really is. And I haven't. I hear my friend talk about her past year and my heart breaks a little. I haven't checked on her. I'm that bad of a person. Finally she starts singing. And of course is the song I've been fearing to hear.

There is not a single word, in the whole world
That could describe the hurt

I squeeze my eyes shut. I can't do this, I'm gonna break down.

The dullest knife just sawing and back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was

Why did I have to break up with Taylor? I actually loved him, but I guess I'm just a selfish bitch.

How were you to know?
Well, how were you to know?

And I did it without even thinking about his feelings. I didn't care about how he would feel. But I guess I don't consider myself important enough to actually make an impact in people's lives.

And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before

I guess I've never been in someone someone's life for enough time for me to think that I matter

Love, happens all the time, to people who aren't kind
And heroes who are blind,

So I fucking did that, I left the only person who ever loved me because I was afraid of getting too attached, and then being too late. But what I did not know was that it was already too late.

Expecting perfect script in movie scenes
Once an awkward silence mystery

I hear Hayley's voice break the slightest bit and then I know. I really broke his heart.

How were you to know?
Well how were you to know, oh, oh?

And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes, get darker as they close
But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes, get darker as they close
But I've been there before

I open my eyes for a second and let myself stare at Taylor, without caring if it'll hurt. His eyes are closed and his head swings side to side, his curls bouncing around.

For all the air that's in your lungs
For all the joy that is to come

I see his hands travel along the neck of his guitar effortlessly, hitting all the right notes.

For all the things that you're alive to feel
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal

Well, how were you to know?
Well, how were you to know?

But I'm okay, right? I'm not going to cry. That's stupid. I'm over it. It's been a YEAR AND A HALF. That's a long time. I'm over it. Yeah. I'm completely fine. I'm not crying. I'm not.

And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes, get darker as they close
But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes, get darker as they close
But I've been there before.

His fingers pluck the strings while playing the outro, delicately.

"I'm not crying" I repeat in my head, as a single tear falls on my shirt.

Short chap but the next one is INTENSE and LONG