My Sunshine ✔

[ 46 ]

The old apartment didn't glow anymore. It was dark and dull, just like him. The old furniture was present; the stain on the couch only deepened his wounds.

A single corner of the room held beautiful memories he longed for. Their first kiss, quiet voices, dazzling smiles.

The sun still glowed, as if an angel was keeping the memories safe. That pale face still lovingly haunted his being. He wanted to touch the memories, keep them locked forever, to never forget.

Narco tightened his hold on Rose's fragile hand. Daniel and Robin rushed in with boxes, Jack dragging a suitcase behind, talking with Katie.

"Holy hell," Robin grunted as he placed the heavy box down. "This place is so gloomy." He commented without a thought. Although his friends had accepted Robin into the group, they had not adjusted to his careless habits. Jack coughed, squeezing Narco's shoulder reassuringly. Narco wanted to shrug the hand off but forced himself not to.

Daniel and Jack had been less affectionate around him, and he appreciated it. A sick part of him didn't want anybody to be happy. Katie often took care of Rose, doing something Narco failed at, and he appreciated it. He appreciated the unsure glances and small talks, because it showed him they cared even though he didn't deserve it.

"Your color pallet has changed so much," Robin whispered, softly nudging Narco.

Narco nodded, his throat dry and lumpy. He couldn't see himself using bright colors. There was nothing bright about yellow. It was sick and unpleasant.

Even though the small apartment bustled with life, it felt empty and hollow. The walls were too small, and the colors were muted and cold. The small amount of chatter felt like distant whispers, and he could feel himself shutting down.

Everything was dead and lifeless. It was torture - he didn't want to stop the pain.

"Narco," Robin softly interrupted his thoughts, "you okay?" Of course he wasn't fucking okay. He took a deep, calming breath and exhaled, and nodded like a liar.

Rose tugged on his hands, getting his full attention. "Tired," She simply said, noticing the gloomy atmosphere.

"Come here," Katie cooed as she sat on the couch, patting the seat next to her. Narco's eyes gravitated towards the stain. His eyes burned.

Narco stood, jaw clenched, as he watched the room where so many things had happened. How could people move on so easily? He wanted nothing more than to pull Lewis close to him and offer millions of 'I love you's and kisses and hugs.

He clutched the only picture of them kissing. He held back tears to be strong when he wanted to scream, punch the wall, and cry his lungs out. He wanted to let the tears fall freely without hesitation. But all he managed to do was clear his throat, swallow the lump, and rub his eyes dry.

"You okay?" Daniel and Jack asked, turning to look at him.

"I- I'm going to be f-fine," Narco nodded, trying to convince himself of the lie.

"It's okay," Jack gave a timid smile to his friend. The uncertain looks and guarded, sweet voices grated on his nerves. He wasn't a timebomb ticking, for fuck's sake. He wasn't going to blow up on them if they talked normally. Still, he kept his mouth dutifully shut.

"Yeah..."

Suffocating silence ensued, making every breath shallow. Everything burned, and he gave into Jack's arms. He clutched onto the t-shirt like a lifeline, helping him keep his head above water and not to drown in a pool of his own misery.

His body wracked with muffled sobs and soft wails. He didn't want to wake Rose up. Jack muttered comforting words, which did nothing in his opinion. Robin just watched with a sad smile, admiring the bright painting in the corner stacked with many others.

Jack rubbed his back when they parted. Daniel gave a short, reassuring word and got to unpacking the mattresses for the night.

The sun vanished under thick, grey clouds. It brought him back to the funeral - black coats, wet skin, heavy sighs. He'd worn a red jumper because he looked good in red, apparently. His hands had clutched the Chrysanthemums and Carnations, wind clashing against his skin, and he'd tried not to fall.

Somewhere between colorless days, red became his favorite color.

He didn't believe he could ever truly move on; Lewis was the first person he had loved so deeply. Love was a river rushing inside him and Lewis was the source.

He'd sell his soul to talk to Lewis one last time. He wanted to hold hands and create a family together, but you have to wake up at the end of your dreams. The perfect life he imagined was breaking with every second he thought about the distant smiles and the lost glimmer in Lewis' eyes.

Narco helped Daniel unpack, feeling guilty about letting others do the work. Jack lingered around the kitchen, notifying that he had ordered pizza for them. Robin just roamed around the house, eventually helping out even though Narco protested against it. He'd never pinned Robin to work, that man was rich, he could have others do his work.

He couldn't even look at Rose without being reminded of Lewis. The black hair that was always messed up. Sharp eyes and features holding resemblance to Lewis. Her chubby cheeks and blue eyes distinguished her from her father, though, and he couldn't be more grateful.

Rose showed no signs of weakness, nodding whenever he asked after her, but she would come to cuddle with Narco when nightmares occurred. Nightmares that kept both of them awake till they were too tired to keep their eyes open. Somehow, they'd found their comfort in watching cartoons and munching on popcorn in the middle of the night.

One night, she had asked, "Narco, where's pa now?"

His throat had gone dry and his chest was too small for his heart. "In a better place, darling," He had replied, not knowing what to say or how to change the subject.

Her brows had furrowed, much like Lewis', as she thought. "Yeah, but where?" She asked again, emphasizing 'where' as if he was a moron. He'd almost smiled. It quickly turned into panic when he'd realized he didn't have an answer. In the stars, his sister had whispered when he had asked where mom was. "Stars?" She asked again, and Narco silently cursed himself.

"Yeah, stars," And he found the thought comforting. Lewis was a star, wasn't he? Bright and burning with life, adding beauty to the vast universe, twinkling with each breath. "The brightest one," He added for no particular reason other than that it felt right.

"Can we go see him?" Her eyes were twinkling again.

And they found themselves sitting near the river bank, gazing into the navy sky and pointing. Rose pointed to the brightest star but it didn't twinkle. Narco had squinted his eyes and spent the next minute confirming that it was not a star but a planet.

"But how can you know?" She had asked, insistent and pouting.

Throwing pebbles into the flowing water and drowning in the sound of gushing water, he had simply replied, "Because stars twinkle, planets don't."