when in rome | ethan

seven

The whole night, I switched between sleeping and staying awake. I'd sleep, wake up and fall asleep again repeatedly. At some point in the night, I had realized I was with Ethan. But I didn't freak out or move. Deep down, I wanted to stay just for a little longer so my body made me stay put.

I wanted to remember how I got in this predicament. So I did what I always did: think. I don't remember anything from the party, but I certainly remember coming to the hotel and everything after that. Bits and pieces.

I was scared that he was going to hold it against me. That he'd tease me for being so soft for him. I was even frightened about what he'd say about me to his friends, eventually going back to mine.

I'm weak, I'll admit. But to have everyone I know think the same thing is crazy.

The blinds were closed yet slightly opened. The lamp that was turned on last night is still on. It was dark in the room except for a little section of light coming from the window and onto the duvet of the bed.

He was sleeping still. I wasn't sure what the time was but I could tell it was early. I wanted to lay there and take in the closeness of his facial features; for I hadn't seen them in so long. But to have him catch me staring at him was too much embarrassment to handle.

I quietly shoved the blanket off of me as well as his arm and sat at the edge of the bed. I wanted to shower, I felt gross. Fulfilling my needs, I walk over to the pile of clothes in the room grabbing cotton shorts and a T-shirt to change into after I'm done showering.

I silently shut the bathroom door, grabbing my toothbrush in the process. I turned the shower handle making sure it was the correct temperature. Stepping in, I let the warmth take over my body.

I can't believe I care about what my friends would think if they've realized I fell back at Ethan's feet. Even though I already was aware of my feelings to him, now I'm not the only one who knows that and that creates this uneasy feeling in me.

Sighing, I rubbed my face, letting my hands travel around my head and behind my neck.

"love, love, love. a word i repeat over and over again. hoping it would make me understand it better."

But I didn't. I've only loved once. It was rough, and uncertain. All I know, is that it was there.

I wrapped a towel around my body as I stepped out. I had decided to change into comfortable clothes for now, and into more appropriate clothes for the weather later. So after changing, I brushed all the knots out of my hair after drying it with a towel as much as I could've.

As I brushed my teeth, I could feel myself getting hot at last nights events playing in my head. How embarrassing it must've been. However, thinking about it over and over again made my heart ache. I splashed my face with cold water before walking out; hoping I'd be less red than I already was.

He's awake now, the blinds officially fully open. I glance over to the bedside table, the time reading: 8:34 AM.

"Hey," I say, in hopes to clear this tension. I stand there awkwardly as I played with my fingers.

He turns around, still sitting on the bed; previously staring out at the view. "Morning. Did you sleep well?"

I nodded. When I woke up, his arm was lightly draped over me so I guess you could say it was pretty well.

"About last night," I began to speak. I mentally gave myself a pep talk about whether or not I should talk about it. Cause once I start, I don't know if I'll stop.

"I..." I didn't want to tell him to not listen to any of it because for the reason that I was drunk. Not only was that a lie, but it would've stung a little hearing me say it out loud. I didn't know what to say.