when in rome | ethan

thirty nine

cassandra's pov

"more and more pictures just keep coming in." my manager sighs, setting the printed pictures onto his desk. i pick one of them up, staring as the picture shows ethan and angela sitting at a table in the park. he's holding her hand. my heart aches.

shannon takes the picture away from my hands, "gosh, cassandra. why do you do this to yourself. examining the pictures won't do any good for you. i promise, it'll only hurt you more."

joe nods, not once making eye contact while he sits across from me. "she's right you know. i can sense your pain, cass." he says. "to me, it's a good thing. you can put that anger and rage into a new book."

"i'm not angry." i state.

joe let's out a nervous chuckle. "of course you aren't. what i meant was, you can use what you're feeling and allow it to inspire you to continue writing."

"he's right, you know." shannon says. "you can't keep sitting around being sad and unmotivated. show ethan and angela that you're better than them."

"that's not my intention." i tell shannon. "it never will be. making people feel less than themselves for your own benefit is cruel."

"then simply show them that you're fine." she replies. "that you aren't phased. that you're past this and are the bigger person."

joe nods. "yeah. this has happened so fast, so we understand if you need a little time to think. we wouldn't want to push you into writing right away if it isn't something you think you're ready for."

"i agree." shannon says. "your mental health is very important with this job because you're all about projecting your feelings into your writing."

"love." i say.

shannon and joe share a confused look, looking at eachother before looking at me. "what?"

"love was the feeling." i say. "do i really have to abandon it in order to continue being this successful person you all want me to be?"

joe shakes her head. "i'm sure that's not what shannon meant. but i do agree that if you were to proceed projecting the feeling of love into your writing again, it'd only remind you of how that feeling came to an ending. you'd think about ethan and angela more and more and quite frankly, i don't see how that does you any good. does any of us any good." he explains.

"cassandra, i know i'm getting paid to help you maintain your career and to help point you in the right direction. but that doesn't mean i don't care for you either." he adds. "i think the healthiest move right now, is to just focus on your writing and forget about ethan and angela. can you do that for me? for you?"

of course, i hesitate. forgetting about ethan and angela after all this is like forgetting peel your orange. it's so easily seen on the outside, you just can't miss it.

but joe and shannon were right. this entire dilemma is affecting my thinking, therefor affecting my writing, therefor affecting my career.

the time i spent in the states was magical. and i'd do it all over again.

my love has been there ever since senior year of highschool. it will never, ever leave. that's something i can promise.

my eyes find their way to the pictures again, as they sit on joe's desk, face up. they were laughing. i could see andi playing on the playground right behind them.

their hands, it's like they could leave one another's grasp.

it's always gonna be you.

was it all one big lie? and now that i'm gone and she's not, he's finally beginning to realize his true feelings?

how does andi feel about this? to finally meet her real mother, she's probably thrilled. all those years wondering what happened.

i'm really stuck here.

you see, i cherish ethan and andi with all my heart. besides writing, i've basically devoted a lot of my life to loving ethan and him only.

in the story of cassandra flores, ethan dolan is her only lover.

but in the story of ethan dolan, he manages to have loved two women in his lifetime.

it shouldn't be competition, i know. but it sure feels like it. to know angela is in the states right now, spending all the time she wants with her family hurts me.

it makes me feel guilty when i think that way, though. because they aren't my family. andi isn't my daughter. i've spent five years avoiding ethan when i shouldn't have. and for what?

but a part of me knows i can't go back even if i really wanted to.

it's ethan i love. but joe and shannon mentioned my mental heath.

what's love without happiness?

how could i be happy knowing angela is there right now. knowing that if i were to go back, there could be a possibility andi wouldn't even look at me because i left her.

for the sake of my well being.

and for the sake of ethan and andi's happiness.

i say...

"i can."

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY NINE

omg!!! we're almost at forty chapters!! ahh!!

read lemonade, updating wayyy more on that book. you can get updated with my life on there lol

sorry for the short chapter, kinda hitting a little writers block for when in rome not gonna lie.

bye!!