Uriah: A Divergent Fanfic [COMPLETED]

You Aren't Yoda! Now Put The Breadstick Down!

Peter and I walk into the club. I have a really bad feeling Zeke and Four are drunk, and when they're drunk it ain't pretty.

"Where do you think they are?" Peter asks, scanning the crowd of drunk people.

"No idea, but if we don't find them Tris and Shauna will kill us," I state. Tris and Shauna forced us to come here and find their little drunk boyfriends.

"Uriah... found one..." Peter says and I look over to see Zeke cutting up a pineapple saying, "Spongebob I know you're in there!"

"I'll handle the little guy, you find Four," I say and walk over to Zeke.

"Yo, Zeke!" I say and snatch the pineapple from his hand. "Uri... I was searching for Spongebob...." he whines.

"Dude, you're drunk and Spongebob doesn't exsist... yet... anyway, c'mon before your girlfriend beats the crap out me," I say and grab his arm.

"My girlfriend is right there Uri..." he says and points to a hot blonde dancing.

I give him a look and murmur, "Yep, Zeke can only score a girl like that when he's drunk..."

"I'm not drunk. MOM!"

The blonde comes stumbling over and says, "Hey Pete..."

"Pete? I'm Zeke," Zeke says and places a piece of pineapple on her head. And people think I'm the crazy one. Now excuse me while I go fix my awesome hair.

"Zeke, you're coming with me," I and grab his arm right before he screams, "IT'S YODA!"

I look and see Four with green stuff all over his face while whacking a giant breadstick at Peter...

I have no words.

And that's saying something, considering I love to talk.

"Yo, Four! You aren't Yoda! Now put the breadstick down!" I scream and drag Zeke behind me.

Peter snatches the breadstick out Four's hands and throws it a drunk guy doing the Harlem Shake.

"Number boy, coming with us," Peter says and drags him out while Four complains about why The Force isn't working right.

"C'mon Ezekiel Pedrad," I say and grab his ear and pull him out.

***

"I can't believe they got drunk!" Shauna says while Four and Zeke just sit there, having a very deep conversation about Superman.

"Believe it, Four thought he was Yoda..." Peter says. Lynn smirks and says, "Would've paid to see that."

"Should've videoed it..." Will says and shakes his head, "I remember one time Four was drunk he ran around the streets singing the Elmo theme song... it's got a million hits so far."

I burst out laughing and say, "Show me that video."

"Will..." Zeke says in a baby voice.

"Yes, wittle boy."

"SWIPER NO SWIPING!" he screams.

Will gives him a look and says, "Isn't from a little kids show or something?"

"Dora da explorer, Willy." Four says in a 'duh' voice.

"I've never seen Zeke drunk... this is very interesting..." Christina says and pulls out her phone, snapping a few shots.

"Anyway... thanks for getting our boyfriends..." Tris says.

"Anytime, Blondie," I say and at the same time Peter says, "I don't care."

"Really, Lynn? It had to be him?" Christina says.

Lynn just blushes and I gasp and scream at the top of my lungs, "LYNN JUST BLUSHED! WORLD HISTORY!"

"Are you sure he's not drunk..." Marlene says. I playfully glare at her.

"Marlene?" Zeke asks.

Marlene rolls her eyes and says, "Yes, drunk man..."

"Do you know the muffin man?"

"Yeah, it's Peter," she replies and Peter gives her the death glare. Epic. Death. Glare.

"Petey! You're the muffin man! Can you make me a giant gingerbread man to destroy the castle and stop the half-human half ogre from marrying the evil king!" Zeke says.

"Shrek? Seriously?" Tris asks.

"You know Shrek? What about Donkey?" Four says. I shake my head.

"Zeke there's a pineapple in the fridge," I say simply, earning weird looks from everyone. His eyes light up and he says, "Five, come find Spongebob with me!"

They nod and walk out of the room dramatically.

"Should I be worried?" Shauna asks.

"Mmm-Hmm," Will and I reply in sync.

"I'm gonna video this," Chris says and pulls her phone out as we follow 'Five' and Zeke into the kitchen.

We open the door and see them brutally murdering my pineapple.

"Spongebob! Show your face!" Four screams and hits the pineapple.

"KEVIN!" I scream randomly.

What, you act like you've never seen a guy name his pineapple.

"Who's Kevin?" Peter asks.

"Doofus over here likes to name his fruit," Lynn says. How rude.

Uh oh.

"Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm human too-" I start to sing and Peter pulls out a...

You guessed it... a butter knife.

"Dude... why do you love butter knives? Do you need some mental help? By mental help a mean a jackhammer to the head..." Will says. Peter roll his eyes and smirks.

"Sure... kill me... see what my girlfriend will do to you..." he says and motions to Lynn who is currently dragging Kevin out their hands.

"Yeah... your girlfriend who can't pry a pineapple out of 2 drunk guy's hands..." I mumble.

"What was that?" Peter says and positions his butter knife.

"Oh, nothing, nothing at all..." I say and pull a spork out my back pocket. Oh yeah...

"You really wanna do this?" Peter says.

"Nah, too tired..." I say and kick the butter knife out of his hand.

Life is all good.