Powerless {A.K.}

16.

I walked up to the door of awsten's room and hesitated before knocking. He had been in there for the past 3 hours just playing guitar, drowning everything else out. He had been acting weird for the past 2 days and i wanted to ask him what was wrong but just never found the right words.

"Awsten?" I ask, knocking again. The music stopped and there was shuffling on the otherside. He door opens and he looks at me with tired eyes.

"Are you okay?" I ask and he rolls his eyes, shutting the door.

"I'm tired of being asked if I'm okay. The answer will always disappoint someone." He says and the music starts again.

"You can't just shut people out." I yell over the music and it stops.

"You can't just block everything out with music Awsten. Yeah, it helps, but you can't depend on it because someday theres gonna be a time when you don't have your earbuds or you don't have any instruments or you phone. You have to deal with it. You have to deal with whatever you're going through. I'm here for you. You just have to let me in." I stop and take a deep breath, pushing down the anxiety.

"I did it too.  I was at a point in my life where music was all i had too. I never slept, i never ate, i just listened to music and ignored my thoughts. I've been there. I've dealt with crying myself to sleep over situations i couldn't control. I've dealt with drowning everything out with lyrics that explained my feelings better than anything else ever could. I know that there is nothing i can say that can help this. I know that there is nothing i can say that will fix you and make the world better because the truth is that the world is a dark and fucking terrible place but you can't run from it. I know you're tired. I know it hurts. I know how alone you feel. I know how devistated and alone you feel. Awsten it doesn't have to be this way." I sigh, sitting down on the other side of the door, facing away from it.

"There's nothing that anyone can do to make you learn to feel again. I've been there. I know the numbness. But I also know that what you're doing to yourself will only make things worse. I didn't have someone to stop me or tell me no. I didn't have someone to help me. Jack didn't understand. Alex was busy with Lisa. Rian was in Nashville all the time and Zack left for Hawaii. Jack said I'd be okay and gave me space. I didn't need space. I needed help. Therapy. Something. I know it would've saved me a year of heartache if i at least had someone listen to me. Awsten I'm here to listen. You just have to let me." I look down, pulling my knees to my chest. I had never openly spoken about these things before.

The floor creaked and footsteps echoed through the silence before a slight thud landed across the other side of the door.

"Do you think I'll ever be happy again?" Awsten asks, his voice cracking some as he painfully forced the words out.

"Yes. I do."

"How are you so certain?"

"I'm not. Nothing is ever certain. But i do know that i believe in you. Geoff believes in you. Otto does. All of ATL does. All of the countless fans you all have. The people you've met along the way. Awsten, they'd be so proud of you if they knew how amazing you are." I lean my head against the door and wait for a response.

"Why me?"

"A-"

"Why do you care about me? I'm fucking worthless. All i have are these stupid fucking chords that never stop. The lyrics that i hate having to sing because it feels like acid on my tongue every single time i say Yellow. Yeah, catchy song, the kids love it. Your hair is great for marketing. You cant wear that. You can't say this. Remember to do this. Friendly reminder, you're just a label. It's all fucking bullshit. Victoria I'm just a fucking disaster and you think i hung the moon. Im falling apart and youre sitting here waiting for me to open this door and let you smile and say 'its gonna be okay' and all my problems will melt away. That's fucking terrifying. To think that someone's voice has so much power. Hearing 'i love you' from your person is so fucking powerful but so is hearing 'im sorry, i never loved you.' Something as innocent as a voice can break you inside. Thats fucking terrifying. You do that to me Tori. You terrify me." Awsten rambles, leaving me speechless. We sit in silence for a moment while i try to find the words to say i understand.