Powerless {A.K.}

28.

Yo this shits sad and mentions self harm so uh read at your own risk.

RUBY STOP READING MY STUFF

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"Therapy or Remembering Sunday?" Alex asks me and I pause to think.

"Remembering Sunday. It's underappreciated." I answer and he smiles some, writing it down onto the setlist for tonight.

"What's your favorite waterparks song?" Jawn asks and I shrug.

"I've been religiously listening to Mad All the Time lately so I guess it's my favorite? I don't know. They're all special in their own way." I say, sipping on my iced coffee. We were all relaxing in the venue waiting until concert time. We had two hours to kill because set up was easy. 

"I didn't see that for you honestly. I saw you more of a Royal kinda girl." Jawn holds out his hand and i place my coffee cup in his hand. He steals a sip and hums some in satisfaction, passing it back.

"Don't get me wrong, i love Royal too. I love all their songs. Mad All the Time has just hit home lately."

"Man don't even talk about home. I miss everyone so much. What about you?"

"I dont have anyone to go home to so it's just tours and band stuff for me." I say, laying down on the stage. I stare up at the light setup and watch as they scan around the area for light check.

"Wait, what about your family?" Otto asks, joining the conversation. He plops down onto the stage floor, sitting cross legged, sipping on his coffee.

"Otto that question requires a level 47 friendship and I'm not sure if you've reached that level yet." Alex says, glaring at the boy who blushes, sheepishly.

"No, Alex, it's fine. It was bound to come up eventually." I say and Alex sighs, sitting down onto the ground near me.

"Long story short, it's just been me since i was 15. My mom was an alcoholic asshole who hated me with a fiery passion. Dad was never around, he just wanted money for cigarettes. I told him no and that was the last thing I ever said to him. The rest is history."

"But they're still around, right?"

"Nope. He was hit and killed by a drunk driver. Ironic, I know. She's somewhere in Baltimore but I don't want any contact with her. She put me up for adoption so she could spend more money on tequila and I never got adopted. Once you're a teenager it's hard to make it in the system. At 18 I left and moved in with Jack and Alex. They've been my family ever since." I explain and Otto lays beside me, side hugging me.

"I'm sorry that your parents were assholes. You deserve a lot better than that."

"I've got the best of the best now. The best big brothers in the world, loving friends, an amazing boyfriend who means the world to me, and I couldn't be happier." I smile some, thinking about it. I've got it all. I've got my happiness.  I didn't need my parents and I never will. I'm free from them and I'll always be okay with ATL and Parx. They truly love me and thats all I ever wanted. Love.

"Hey, Tori, can we talk?" Awsten asks, leaning against the door frame to the dressing room. I nod, going into the dressing room with him.

"Why did you never tell me?" He asks, his eyes were soft and glazed over.

"I didn't think it mattered. Not like you'd ever wanna meet them anyways."

"But what if i did? What if i wanted to ask for your hand someday? What if i- i don't know. I never knew and I feel like there's so much i don't know." He sighs and I look down, ashamed.

"What do you want to know?" I say and he pauses.

"Anything?"  

"Anything."

"Why do you never take off your bracelets?"

"Insecurities. Next question." I say, trying to avoid it.

"What insecurity is it?" He asks, not letting me get away from the question. I sigh, sitting down onto the couch. I realized this would be a long conversation.

"You remember Dylan. Right?" I say, looking up at him. He nods.

"I thought there was no way for me to get away from him. I was trapped, Awsten. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stay with him anymore. I couldn't handle staying in that situation anymore. No matter the cost..."

"What did it cost?"

I sigh, looking down at my wrists. One by one I took off my bracelets and cringed at the heinous sight. Dozens of scars covered my wrists. Each one of them had faded some over time but the memory never would. It would forever haunt me just like the constant friendly reminder that lived within my skin.

The final bracelet fell to the floor below and I stared at the scars in disgust. I hated them. I hated everything about myself in this exact moment. The fact that Awsten was seeing all of this made me want to hide away and die. I hated it.

I looked up at him as tears developed in his eyes. My heart shattered. I hated seeing him cry. Especially over me. He gently placed his hands on the underside of my wrists, pulling them towards him. I looked away, ashamed.

"Tori, this doesn't change the fact that I love you. You are still so fucking beautiful and wonderful in each and every way. Including this one." His thumb grazed over them and he lifted up his hand, turning my face towards his. He planted small gentle kisses onto my lips and I kiss back for a moment, pulling back. I wiped the tears from his eyes and he looks down at the scars again. 

"How did you..."

"Jack." I said and started to think back on the memory of that night...

Numb. That was all I felt as the thunder boomed like the sound of a thousand drums. Numb. I didn't feel love towards him, or anyone really. Especially not myself. I couldn't feel the blood pouring out of my arms. I couldn't feel anything but emptiness. Things were never supposed to end this way. Things were never supposed to be like this. We were happy. I guess I couldn't see past that. Through all the fights, anger, frustration, and yelling, I just saw who he used to be. The Dylan I once loved. Dylan was once a carefree spirit like me. He used to want to travel and explore and be free. He used to love the little adventures. He used to love our adventures. I looked down at the pool of crimson that surrounded me. I was supposed to be so much more. I was supposed to be happy and have a good life. I was supposed to make everyone proud but all I ever did was disappoint everyone. This was the biggest disappointment of them all. I was the biggest disappointment of them all. I leaned my head back against the wall as my breathing slowed down. It was time. Mumbled yelling echoed through the house. Angry footsteps paced their way towards the bathroom. Banging on the door repeated over and over almost like the heartbeat I was losing. The door burst open and arms scooped me up in a panic. I looked up, barely able to visualize anything that was happening. That's when I saw it. The blonde streak. Jack.

"Tori?" Awsten looked at me, shaking my shoulders slightly. I must've got lost in thought.

"Sorry.." I mumble, shaking away the thought.

"We don't have to talk about it anymore if you can't handle it."

"You deserve to know. All of it."