Powerless {A.K.}

23.

Light us up until we pop

I wanna burn bright 'til we're not

Let's keep each other safe from the world

I'll be your optimistic black hole

Full of love I can't control

Let's keep each other safe from the world

From the world

I look up at Awsten as he sings and smile. Even though nearly all his songs were about his ex, i always thought of him. I wanna be the one he remembers. I wanna be the one he writes songs about. Happy songs, hopefully. I wanted him to be happy.

Happy birthday, Merry Christmas

To the one I call my missus

I'm leaving you love notes in the kitchen that say it all

I know you said to mind my business

But Cupid sent me on a mission

That's got me sitting, wishing, waiting for your call

Let's be lucky people, you and me...

I snap a couple pictures and crouch down to avoid the crowd. I stare up at the boys and smile. They were all living their dreams. They were all happy. So why wasn't I happy for them?

My hourglass is in your hands

You've got my time, you are my plans

Let's keep each other safe from the world

You've got me writing sappy songs

I used to laugh at on my own

Let's keep each other safe from the world

I make direct eye contact with Awsten and he winks. The fans go crazy and i giggle some. I should be happy for them. I should be so overjoyed at the thought of my boyfriend getting to live his dream and be an idol to so many people. I should be excited for Geoff being able to provide for his family and play guitar without having stage fright. I should be proud of Otto for overcoming his eating disorder and being able to confidently play drums and not doubt himself like he used to. So why wasn't i?

Because I know it's hard to let yourself be fine

When we carry 'round our worried flurried minds

But I'll let go if you do too

Is it me or is it my insecurities? Was I scared of them leaving? Was I scared of Awsten moving on and finding someone so much better in every way? Or am I just a bad person?

Happy birthday, Merry Christmas

To the one I call my missus

I'm leaving you love notes in the kitchen that say it all

I know you said to mind my business

But Cupid sent me on a mission

That's got me sitting, wishing, waiting for your call

Let's be lucky people, you and me

I wanted this more than anything. I wanted so badly to be surrounded by all the people I love and to experience them loving life. I wanted this so badly and now i dread it. I dread having to listen to Awsten sing about the love of his life. I hate hearing how happy he was with her until she cheated.  I hate it.

My common sense is powerless

And I'm convinced that you have

Caught me, luck is just the half of it

The better half of me that I couldn't quit

'Cause now I'm flying 'cross the country

More than monthly for you

You've got me more than clumsy

But you're my yellow lovely

Awsten smiles some as he sings his section and my heart drops. Yellow lovely. That was Ciara. He was smiling for her. Maybe it was me. Or maybe I was right. Maybe I was just here to fill his headspace and to make him be distracted for a while. Maybe I was just to pass the time on tour. 

Happy birthday, Merry Christmas

To the one I call my missus

I'm leaving you love notes in the kitchen that say it all

I know you said to mind my business

But Cupid sent me on a mission

That's got me sitting, wishing, waiting for your call...

The song ends and I look up at Awsten. He states out into the crowd just like we had done days before. He looked so proud of what he had done. Why couldn't I be happy for him? I sigh, walking out. I go to the dressing room and plop down on the couch. Tears sting at my eyes.

The show continues to blast out through the arena. I cover my ears, trying to block out the friendly reminder of how he felt towards her. Or, feels.

I'll never experience birthdays or Christmases with him like she did. I'll  never known what it's like to have long songs written about me. I'll never know what it's like to have someone romantically love me unconditionally like he loved her. We need to Talk begins to play and I sigh. There's no use of blocking it out. It'll never end.

I wish you didn't tell me I was special

'Cause now it's far too hard to see through

'Cause you shine brighter than morning

At least I thought you did

I sing along quietly, crying. This was all my fault. I didn't love him enough. He went back to her. It's all my fault. I was never going to be enough for him. God what was I thinking?

Failure.