First Love | Sope

Chapter 11

Breathing heavily, I no longer have any idea how far away from the counter I actually am just from trying to get my damn boxers on. Reaching out nervously, I manage to find the counter edge with my left hand. Taking a deep breath, I reach out with my other hand and try to pull myself up all at once.

However, this completely backfires on me, feet slipping and my grip with my right hand sliding as well as I seem to grab my pants in the process. A yelp slips from my lips as I go falling backwards, falling hard onto the tile flooring. In an instant, I'm groaning loudly with heavy breaths whilst laying on my back, hearing the door quickly getting opening.

"Hyung? Oh my gosh, are you okay?"

Before I know it, I feel Namjoon gently placing a hand on the back of my head and slipping one underneath my back to help me sit up. It's a struggle though, my entire body screaming out in pain. By the time he's got me fully upright again, I'm leaned against him completely, fully worn out by all of this.

"Can I help you now?" Namjoon murmurs softly, rubbing my back gently. I give in this time, too much in pain to be able to argue as I nod my head. In an instant I'm picked up and being placed on what I assume to be the sink counter.

"I'm gonna have to take the boot off so that we can get the sweats on, okay? Tell me if it hurts." Namjoon says quietly. I just nod my head, hanging it tiredly as I hear the sound of the Velcro being peeled back. It's a weird feeling when the boot comes off, making me take a deep breath.

I feel humiliated having to have my younger stepbrother help me get fucking dressed. Humiliated and disappointed in myself. Twenty three years old and I can't even take fucking care of myself. Can't even so much as get changed. I hate it. I hate it so much. Beyond what words could begin to explain. I don't even have a purpose of being here anymore. Playing piano has been the one thing that's kept me going since I started learning how to play back when I was four. The one thing that's kept me sane with everything that's happened in life. It's always been my safe place, my haven. And now I can't even go back to that. I can't write. I can't play. I can't read. I can't do any of it. I can't even come close. I mean, what kind of musician does that? Sure, there's Beethoven who was deaf, but that's entirely different. He could see what he was doing. I can't even see to be able to easily get a damn shirt on over my head.

"Alright, hyung. Ready to go?"

Namjoon's voice pulls me from my spiraling thoughts, shrugging dejectedly.

"I don't have much a choice, do I?" I counter bitterly. He sighs at this, simply picking me up from my spot on the counter. Though, as I feel myself begin to actually get carried, I frown.

"Namjoon, put me down. I can walk for fucks sake." I groan in frustration.

I hear him immediately take a deep breath as all other movements stop, worrying me slightly. It may have been years since the last time I've seen my brother, but I still know him like the back of my hand. I know his tendencies, likes and dislikes, how over analytical he can get. I raised him since he was like six because our parents were never around, and when we finally lost them for good, I really did end up raising him the rest of the way.

It's why I know the deep breath that he takes before setting me down on my feet is one out of controlled frustration mixed with a hint of sadness. It's why that simple small action breaks my heart and only adds to my self frustration levels. The fact that I'm the one causing him the frustration, the fact that he's using the techniques that I'd taught him with me. It makes me even more disappointed in myself. Makes me feel even more like a failure now.

Not only can I never make music ever again. Never be able to play piano, losing the one things that's always been closest to me and meant the most. I'm letting my younger brother down.

"Please be careful, Yoongi. You still aren't the most stable on your feet yet and we still have a ways to go before we can get anywhere near the car outside."