First Love | Sope

Chapter 12

It's only been a day of being home so far and I already hate it. I hate it so much. There's absolutely nothing I can really do other than listen to things. Listen to music, listen to the television. I've honestly not even left my bed since I found it yesterday unless I've had to go to the bathroom. And even that's a damn struggle.

"Here's some breakfast, Yoongi." Namjoon says softly after knocking on my open door. There's not been any point to close it anymore, considering if I want to do just about anything, I have to have his help. They tried to give me that stick that blind people use to help keep them from walking into things, but I refused. I didn't want it at all. It's not like I can do much anyways. The best I can do is use it while wandering around the house since I can't really do anything anyways. And even then, the best it'll do is tell me I'm about to run into something, not how far away I am from where I'm trying to walk.

"I'm not hungry, Joon." I mutter quietly, staying laid on my side on my bed. I hear him sigh softly though, hearing his padded footsteps before the bed dips behind me.

"Hyung, you need to eat. I know this is hard for you right now, but not eating isn't going to help. You hardly ate anything for dinner last night and you wouldn't even take lunch." Namjoon counters gently as he lays a hand on my side. I scoff at this though, smacking his hand away.

"It's not like it fucking matters, Joon. None of it fucking matters anymore. I mean, why the fuck am I even here anymore? I can't see. I can't do shit if I can't see. I can't finish my degree, I can't read, I can't write, I can't play. Hell, I wouldn't even be able to literally see you graduate from college or get married. What the hell am I doing here anymore when I can't do a single thing? I'm fucking useless and pointless anymore. All I am is a goddamn burden to you and to Jimin." I argue bitterly.

"Min Yoongi, you are not a burden to me or to Jimin. Yes, it's hard right now trying to figure out what you're gonna do and what the next step in life is going to be from here, but it doesn't make you useless or pointless. You're just being too hard on yourself right now and completely unforgiving of yourself when none of this was your fault in the first place. I get that it's hard, you won't be able to go back to living how you used to. But it will get better and we'll figure it out. Okay?" Namjoon argues, his tone softening a bit as he speaks. I merely scoff at this though, not at all convinced.

"You don't fucking get it, Joon. You're wasting your time on me. You should be back at college finishing your degree up right now. Not here wasting your time on me." I mutter coldly.

I hear him try to speak before cutting himself off, not even fully forming a proper word yet. I know, I'm not making this easy on him. He really shouldn't be here right now though. He's got his whole life ahead of him and so many opportunities. Ones that I don't have anymore. Ones I never really had to begin with. He'd always been the smarter of the two of us, but I've never really cared. As long as I could stay with a piano, it's all I ever really needed or wanted. All I ever really cared about. I have nothing now. No purpose, no real dream, nothing.

"Hyung,... I want to help you. I'd rather be here helping you than be at school and not even knowing that any of this had happened. You're giving up on yourself though. And... Yoongi, I can't help you if you give up on yourself." Namjoon says quietly, words very clearly carefully selected. I just shake my head though.

"Life gave up on me first." I counter bitterly, a small sigh falling from my lips. I hear my brother groan softly from behind me though, hearing his fingers brushing through his hair.

"I-I can't force you to do anything, Yoongi. I've left breakfast for you here on your bed right behind you. If you try to roll backwards on your back, you'll land on everything, so be careful. If you wanna eat, it's all there for you."

With that, I feel the weight from the bed decrease, him having probably gotten up. I soon hear his hand running across the wood I'd my open door though, what he's been doing whenever he exits my room so that I can hear him go.

I find myself curling up into a ball though, tears instantly forming from frustration.

Frustration at myself. Frustration for not knowing what to do but give up. Frustration for feeling like I've lost everything. Frustration for hurting my younger brother so much. Frustration for being such a damn fuck up.