LDShadowLady; From the word go

Kissing me sweetly isnt an apology

Lizzie's Pov

Last night was a blur. It was full of tears... but at the same time, laughter.It was also full of saddening moments... but at the same time, there were also moments that made me very happy. It was a night full of mixed emotions.

I woke up not wanting to be where I was. I didnt want to be there. Loveless and hurting. Having known that the one I loved was only using me as a competitive tool. My tears made marks in the soft pillow case in which I buried my head. I didnt want to live today. I brought my covers over my face and hid there. The everlasting tears made their way down my face and made their mark on my skin. The memories of his gentle smile all seemed bad and I started to relate them all to him never loving me. I wasnt good enough and I would never find love. He had used me and I had fallen for it. Fallen for his perfect smile and gentle hands that cupped my cheeks. I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts and I lashed out in anger at my stupidity. If only I wasnt so stupid then I wouldnt have been this hurt, I wouldnt have the greatest heartache and I wouldnt have felt like such a failure compared to everyone else.

I stayed in bed for the majority of my self worth before I couldnt handle it anymore. I was so much of a failure. If I couldnt even get Joel to love me then there was no se me even trying. I tried to make my way to the bathroom but my tears blocked my view so stumbled clumsily to the door. I slammed the downstairs bathroom door shut and slid down the smooth wood. I contemplated what I was about to do but didnt think about it further than the point of it being the best resort. I was hurting bad and I felt like it was the only way to resolve that hurting. The pain my heart was enduring had to be washed away by something. I grabbed a razor from the shelf and relieved my heart of the pressure by replacing it. My tears dropped onto my arm and started to wash away the blood that I had caused to appear. I regretted it after but I didnt at the same time. I heard a knock on the front door but I didnt want to answer it. I wanted to get used to being alone. I heard distressed shouts from the front porch. They were Joel's distressed screams. He called and called my name and ignored him until I heard thuds coming from the front door. He was trying to break in. I pulled my sleeves down and wrapped myself in my arms, crying heavily. I heard the latch break and footsteps running towards me. He slammed his fists on the door. "Lizzie Please" He cried into the wood. I was in shock as to how he found me so fast but I didnt respond to his pleads."Lizzie please I wont leave until you come out that bathroom"He sobbed. I heard the cries escaping his mouth but they didnt effect me. I stayed silent apart from my sobs that escaped me. I didnt think he would actually stay there but I heard him sit on the other side of the door.

We were sat on opposite sides of the doors until I heard joel shuffle to the side. Then I heard the lock being unlocked from the other side. I panicked and threw the razor to the side behind the toilet I tried to move but I ended up collapsing and sprawled out on the bathroom floor. Joel burst in through the door. I saw his red puffy cheeks and the bloodshot eyes. "Oh My God Lizzie" Joel cried and fell down beside me. He tried to hold my hand but I shook it off. I picked myself up off the floor and tried to escape him through the open bathroom door but ended up falling over. Joel caught me but I didnt have the strength to fight him off. He cradled me in his arms but he knew I hated every moment of it. I resorted to using my words. "Go away Joel, I dont want you here, how did you even know where I was" He looked down at me and I scowled at him, trying to shrug off his grip. "Because Lizzie, I could see how much you loved me, and to know that you thought I didnt love you back made me think that you were going to be in a state but I didnt want you to do anything you would regret" He said it with so much emotion I almost fell for it. I found the last of my strength and fought out of Joel's grip. "I never want to be hurt by you again" I snarled at him and I began to make my way to my room. He grabbed me by my arm and I squealed in pain. My hand shot to my mouth as I winced in pain. Joel immediately let go but his face fell instantly as I looked down at the floor letting my tears make themselves at home on my carpet. "Lizzie.." Joel began but all I did was keep my eye on the floor and slip down to its level. Joel rushed over to me but I didnt stop him. I was too weak. "Lizzie, let me see your arms" Joel begged. I shook my head furiosly but his next words caused me to cease this action. "Lizzie I loved you for the whole time! You were never ever a prize or anything to show off to my brother. I never expected to find love, I downed myself everyday because I was never able to find that one special person. I decided that I would seperate myself completely from the concept of love" Joel moved closer. Lifting my chin so I was looking him in the eye "But then I found you, and I knew from the moment you smiled at me that you were the one I loved. I never thought you would ever love me back and I cried to myself because of that and people took the mick of me because of it. But when you said you loved me Lizzie my whole world was transformed" He cleared his throat but it just came out as a clump of tears. " You cleared my shadow and showed me who I really was... I love you Lizzie... and you are the only one I will ever love" Joel had to turn away to wipe away the masses of tears the lined his face but when he turned back he continued but by this time my heart was hurting even more. But this time it was because of the idea of Joel crying to himself because of me. "Lizzie, I love you... please show my why your arms hurt so much" My heart felt like it was the size of the earth but at the same time it felt as small and as shrivelled as a prune. He was telling the truth. I dont know how I could tell... but I could. I nodded my head slowly and I saw Joel breath in before he gently rolled up my sleeve. I saw a new batch of tears build up behind his eyes that had lost their sparkle long ago. I couldnt stop myself.. I fell into him. He wrapped my tightly into his warm arms and I cried heavily into his chest. "Why would you do this to yourself Lizzie?" He sobbed into my hair. "I felt like a failure, and as though I had let myself down.. but what got me the most.." I paused and looked up at him "Is that I thought you had never loved me" I reburied my head into his chest but Joel picked me up. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he paused "I have always loved you Lizzie.... and I always will" I nodded weakly and he carried me into my room. He tucked me under my covers and crawled in next to me. He wrapped me in his arms once again but this time I wasnt crying because I was in the only place I wanted to be. Joel lifted my chin once again but this time he placed a sweet kiss on my lips. He smiled gently and I placed my head back on his chest. I drifted off to sleep listening to his heart beat.. The heart beat that belonged to me.

~ Laurenhall7