Back To The Start (One Tree Hill)

Chapter 37

Brooke's POV

At the hospital

When I awoke, it was already day and the sun was shining through the window. I had no idea how long I had slept. But I could remember that it was dark outside when I was taken to my room after the c-section. I raised my hand and stared at the needle stuck in my arm that was connected to a tube that ended in an infusion bottle. Probably a medication for the pain, I surmised. I turned my head and saw Haley sitting next to me. She seemed to be sleeping, for her eyes were closed and her head lowered. I cleared my throat first, before trying to speak. "Hales?" I whispered in a raspy voice. Immediately she opened her eyes and looked at me disoriented.

"Oh, Brooke! You're finally awake," she said, wiping her eyes. "I've been sitting here for hours and waited. How are you?"

I tried to listen inside my body to answer her question, but there was nothing. I just felt tired and empty. Involuntarily, my hands went to my belly, which was now much flatter than before.

"The babies are doing well," said Haley, smiling. "I met Julian a few hours ago, he told me he visited them."

I nodded. "Where is he?" I asked sleepily.

"He was completely exhausted. I sent him home so he can have some sleep. I promised to call him when you wake up," Haley informed.

I suddenly remembered how Julian had held me in his arms and had comforted me as the labor pains had become unbearable. If he hadn't insisted to bring me to the hospital, I might have delivered our babies at home in our bedroom. I would have put their lives into danger.

"Why didn't you tell me you were in pain?" Haley asked.

"I didn't know they were contractions," I confessed to her softly. "In the beginning it wasn't that bad, but when you left, it got worse."

"I'm glad everything went well," Haley confessed and smiled. "Should I call a doctor and ask if you can visit the twins? You surely can't wait to see them, right?"

She looked at me with that expectant look, and suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. I had seen them briefly after birth, and the sight of these small, fragile creatures had been more than I could bear. I was glad that Julian had been there because I had never been able to. Not physically and not emotionally.

"Brooke?"

I flinched and stared helplessly at Haley. I knew that she expected from me to agree with her suggestion, but I just felt scared.

"I'm looking for the doctor and ask him, okay?"

Before I could stop her, she jumped up from her chair and ran outside. With an anxious throbbing heart I lay in my bed and wished someone would come and pull the curtains. The sun shone mercilessly through the window, causing me a headache. I didn't have to wait long for Haley to come back. But she wasn't alone. A nurse accompanied her, who now parked a wheelchair in front of my bed and smiled at me.

"I'll help you into the wheelchair and then we drive over to the premature infants ward. I asked the doctor and he gave me his consent."

I practically couldn't do anything about it when they grabbed me, put me in the seat of the wheelchair and shoved me to the neonatal ward. Everything around me felt so unreal, and the thought of seeing my sons was a more depressing one than a joy. When Haley said goodbye to me outside and the nurse shoved me into the room where the twins were lying in their incubators, I gasped in shock. There were medical devices everywhere and tubes stuck in the small bodies to keep them alive. I wanted to yell at the nurse for bringing me back to my room, but no sound came from my lips. Tears of despair were running down my cheeks, and I wished Julian was here with me. He would have known what to do. Anxiously, I stared down at my babies, waiting for the overflowing happiness each mother felt when she saw her baby for the first time. But I felt nothing, only emptiness inside. I quickly turned away.

"For many parents, it's a shock when they see their newborns the first time," said the doctor who had just entered the room. "But you get used to the sight and after the first time you held the babies in your arms, it's not that bad anymore."

I looked at her with wide open eyes. She didn't really expect from me to touch them, did she? The mere sight was hard to bear. "I... I want to go back to my room," I said in a slightly trembling voice. She looked at me for a moment thoughtfully before she nodded.

"All right, I'll bring you back. Maybe the next time you visit the twins with your husband. It's often easier when another parent is around," she said, smiling.

Haley had been waiting outside the whole time.

"How was the feeling to see the babies for the first time and realize that they belong to you forever?" She asked, smiling.

My stomach clenched as I stared at her blankly. What should I answer her? Instinctively, I sensed that what I was feeling wasn't what she wanted to hear. "Can you call Julian?" I asked her faintly. She looked at me with that weird look and I lowered my head.

"The delivery was very exhausting," the doctor said. "Mrs. Baker needs rest now. "

Haley bent down and hugged me briefly. "I'll go and call Julian," she promised, giving me a compassionate look before leaving.

Thoughtfully, I looked after her and then let the doctor bring me back to my room. She helped me back to bed and pulled the curtains.

"Rest now. The next time you'll wake up, the world looks a bit rosier," she said and squeezed my hand again before leaving me alone.

I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes. Rest and peace, that was what I needed to become my old self again. I tried to envision what it would be like to hold the fragile bodies of my sons in my arms and suddenly I noticed that I couldn't breath anymore. Full of panic, I reached for the call button and was relieved when the nurse entered the room. "I... can't... breathe," I blurted as I struggled for air. The nurse recognized immediately what was wrong with me, because she handed me a paper bag and asked me to take a few deep breaths.

"Are you feeling better now?" She asked worriedly.

I nodded as I realized I could breathe easier again. "What... what was that?" I stammered, looking at her questioningly.

"You had a panic attack," the nurse said. "But now it's over. Lie down and try to sleep."

As she turned away to leave the room, the thought that she was leaving me alone was so scary that I took hold of her arm. "Please, stay!" I begged.

"I'll give you a light tranquilizer," she said reassuringly. "Then you feel calmer and can sleep better too."

She was giving me a sedative by drip, and I was beginning to notice that I was slowly getting calmer and that my heart beat slowed down again. When she finally left I was so relaxed that I felt too tired to care. I closed my eyes and fell asleep immediately.