Back To The Start (One Tree Hill)

Chapter 39

Brooke's POV

Four weeks later

I completely had lost all sense of time, which may have been because I hadn't done anything for weeks than lying in bed or staying on my couch. Mostly I slept because I couldn't even get up to watch a movie. Every day was the same. I usually saw Julian late at night, and then he was so tired that he fell asleep immediately. For several weeks he had been commuting daily between the set and the hospital to be with the twins. He did what I should have done as their mother. But although I should have had a guilty conscience about that, I didn't feel anything. On doctor's recommendation, I had begun psychotherapy, in addition to the medications I had to take regularly for a few weeks. But the therapist's questions were more annoying than they really helped. What bothered me the most was that she questioned my relationship with Julian. She had pestered me with questions like if I had forgiven him, that he had left me back then and how my feelings for him had been, and whether I would believe that we would have a happy marriage. As if that had something to do with the fact that I couldn't love the twins! I didn't know why I felt that way or what was wrong with me. And it didn't help that I knew that I was suffering from a 'postnatal depression'. And surely it hadn't been wise to just get up and just leave the treatment room where the therapy had taken place. But I couldn't have stayed longer with her. I was on the verge of punching her. Also, something that showed that I wasn't myself at the moment. I did a lot of weird things that scared me, but there was one thing I knew for certain; I loved Julian and hoped that one day, with his help, I would get better. The pondering had exhausted me and I closed my eyes, pulling the blanket up to the tip of my nose. I wasn't quite asleep when I heard voices in the hallway...

"You're late today, Julian. The dinner is cold now."

"I'm sorry, Mom. They called from the hospital and said I should come quickly."

"Is something wrong with the twins?"

"Jude had breathing problems. It was probably too early that they took him from artificial respiration."

"Oh, no! I'm so sorry, Julian! What did the doctor say is wrong with him?"

"He was lighter than Davis from the beginning and had bigger adaptive difficulties. He isn't developing too well. The doctors want to do more tests to find out why. They say his little heart is still too weak and the lungs aren't fully developed."

"Does that mean he could... die?"

My stomach suddenly clenched and I struggled for air. My baby was sick, was all that suddenly crossed my mind. He might die! I pushed back the blanket and got out of bed. When I opened the door and stepped into the living room, I saw them both turning their heads towards me and looking at me in shock.

"Brooke, my Dear! Did we wake you up?" Sylvia asked worriedly.

I didn't respond but looked at Julian, in whose eyes tears were swimming. "Will... will my... baby die?" I managed to utter haltingly. I didn't know why they both suddenly looked at me with that weird look. But I wanted to know the truth. "Julian?"

"I don't know," he said in a hoarse voice, lowering his head. "Go back to bed, Brooke."

I looked at him as if he had lost his mind. My baby was in mortal danger, and I should go to bed and sleep? "No!"

"It's late," Sylvia said. "You should rest."

I didn't know where this sudden desire came to want to see my baby. "I want to go to the hospital!" I said determinedly.