Back To The Start (One Tree Hill)

Chapter 38

Julian's POV

In the hospital

Haley's remarks on the phone about Brooke's condition had already worried me, but when I arrived at the hospital and the doctor immediately took me aside before I could even see her, the worry became real fear. Something was wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked me for a private talk. With soft knees and wet hands, I entered the doctor's office and sat down on a chair.

"First of all, I want to tell you that the twins are doing well," the doctor started. "They are stable and artificially nourished and ventilated. So far, everything is fine. I asked you for a private talk because I'm worried about your wife." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Her behavior towards the babies gives reason to believe that your wife suffers from a so-called 'postnatal depression'."

I looked at the doctor with a frown. "What exactly does that mean?" I asked.

"It's a form of depression that often occurs after birth. Especially women who have a difficult and complicated pregnancy and childbirth suffer from that, as was the case with your wife."

"How are the symptoms?" I asked concerned.

"Well, many women are exhausted and sleep badly, some suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, are nervous, sad and feel empty," he listed. "Many lack the connection to their newborns, or they reject them completely."

I had listened to all this and wondered what Brooke was suffering from. Because it was clear that he hadn't told me this for fun. As if he had guessed my thoughts, he continued talking.

"We were with your wife at the premature infant ward, so she could see and maybe even touch her babies. But she refused strictly and asked us to bring her back," he said. "She couldn't even stand the sight of her own babies. We brought her back, and when she was alone in her room, she had a panic attack."

I gazed at the doctor with a stunned look. Did he really speak of Brooke, the tough Brooke, who had coped with so many complicated situations in her life?

"You look at me as if you didn't believe me," the doctor said.

I shook my head mechanically. "Are you saying Brooke rejects her own babies?"

The doctor nodded slowly. "That's what I wanted to say," he confirmed. "There is often a trigger why women suffer from this form of depression."

"She has no reason to reject the twins," I blurted out. "Do you know how long we had been waiting and what we had endured to become parents?" I ran in a nervous gesture through my hair. "You have the medical file in front of you. You know what Brooke went through and she didn't want anything more than to become a mother! And now you want to tell me that she doesn't want her own children?" I had not noticed that I had jumped up when the doctor came around his desk and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"I can imagine how terrible this thought must be for you, Mr. Baker," he said sympathetically. "But your wife is ill, and she suffers for being unable to accept or even love her own children. And that's why it's especially important that you are there for the twins," he continued. "They must feel that they are loved."

I turned away, suddenly aware of tears coming into my eyes. That was all a nightmare! Only that there was no awakening. "What... what can I do?" I asked in a muffled voice.

"You should support your wife. Listen to her fears and worries and don't judge her," he said calmly. "We'll give her tranquilizers. But that alone is not enough. We strongly recommend that she gets psychotherapy. We have very good psychologists here in the hospital who are specialized in postnatal depression. And as for the babies," he continued," there is the possibility of 'kangarooing', which means the premature babies are placed naked on the bare chest. This form of physical closeness is especially important because the babies need the warm body temperature and can also listen to the heartbeat of their parents."

"I'll do anything to help," I said softly.

The doctor smiled. "That's good. Let us know when you have the time. A session with the newborns takes about 20-30 minutes. After that they have to go back to the incubator."

I nodded. "Can I see my wife now?"

"Come, I'll bring you to her," the doctor said and headed for the door. "But be prepared that she doesn't react in the way as usual."

With an oppressive feeling in my stomach, I followed the doctor and then entered Brooke's room. The first thing I noticed were the curtains that prevented daylight from infiltrating. Brooke lay on her side in her bed, eyes closed. Hesitantly, I moved closer until I reached the bed. Apparently I hadn't been quiet enough, because she suddenly opened her eyes and reached out to me.

"Julian?"

"Yeah, I..." I couldn't get any further when she grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her.

"Please don't leave me!"

I remembered what the doctor had said about her behavior being odd. And when I sat down on the edge of the bed and she wrapped her arms tightly around me and began to sob helplessly, I simply held her in my arms, rocking her like a baby. I had thought that with the birth of the twins a difficult phase would end. But as it seemed now the struggle had just begun. "It's going to be okay," I mumbled, stroking her head gently. I hoped so much at that moment that I would be right.