Trapped in the Shadows

Chapter 22 - Moving On

(Peter's POV):
I looked out of the window of the train, feeling more and more dread as I got closer to home. Part of me had desired to remain in Boston over the winter break, but I knew I couldn't just not return home to May. Besides, it would be nice seeing MJ again and having our friend group back together. Well, mostly.

The entire state of New York had been tarnished for me since the disappearance of (Y/N) and in the three and a half years since then nothing had changed. Everywhere was haunted, it was like she was always standing close by watching me, but just out of reach. At this point, I had turned to trying to convince myself that she was dead. But only because it was easier than the alternative: that she was enduring torture at the hand of some sort of criminal organization with no hope of escape. Where she would sit each day and hope that someone in her family would find her, but everyday we failed.

I told myself that she was dead so that I could move on. And yet, I still hadn't found the strength to do it. I was certainly getting better, but each time I returned home, all of the memories came flooding back and I was essentially right back where I started. I had stopped calling Tony every day after about a year and now avoided the Avengers compound altogether.

"Hey, Peter, this is our stop," Ned spoke, nudging me as he stood from his seat.

I jumped, not realizing that I had gotten lost in my thoughts and quickly followed him off of the train. We alighted from the train at Penn Station and then took another train into Queens, plunging me into my thoughts once more. I knew it wasn't healthy, but it was hard for me to stop grieving when I was never really allowed to grieve properly in the first place as I never had confirmation that she was truly dead.

"Peter, you ok? You're awfully quiet," Ned observed, placing his hand on my shoulder. I simply nodded in response, trying to tear my thoughts from (Y/N). "It's (Y/N), isn't it?"

"Going back home always reminds me of her," I confessed, fighting back the tears that threatened to fill my eyes. "I just wish that I knew what happened to her."

"Do you, Peter? If you found out that she has been living in captivity for three and a half years, you would blame yourself for causing her that much pain and then think that you allowed her captors to prolong her life which they made not worth living. If she's dead, you would blame yourself for taking the life of the woman that you loved. I don't know how much closure the truth could have for you, you just need to take your time to grieve and then find a way to accept that she is probably not returning to us."

I sighed, "I know and I have been trying to move on, but it's just so hard. And returning home just reminds me of her and I have to start all over again."

"I know, Peter, it's been hard on me as well and your bond with her was much stronger. But I'm sure in time you will be able to remember the good memories without feeling guilty"

...

Our Christmas celebrations were not long lasting as I was certainly not in a festive spirit. I tried to act excited so as to not disappoint May, but I could tell that I wasn't really succeeding at that task. Ned and MJ came over for dinner, probably as an attempt to lift my spirits, and after we finished eating, May started filling the apartment with Christmas music and poured us all egg nog.

Ned, MJ, and May were able to take my mind off of (Y/N) for a while, I needed to stop thinking and live in the moment. Once I was able to do that, I enjoyed the night far more. I even laughed for the first time since she was taken from me.

At the end of the night, I offered to walk Ned and MJ home to spend a bit more time with them before my festiveness faded away. Even though I had shared a dorm with Ned since Freshman year, we hadn't really had too much fun together. And it was nice to catch up with MJ since we hadn't seen her since the summer.

Ned's apartment was closer, leaving MJ and I to walk together the rest of the way to the apartment of her roommate's family. I didn't really know what to talk to her about, so I ended up reverting to school. I turned to her, "so how have your classes been this year?"

"Oh, you know, same as always. Really hate the required classes that I'm forced to take, but my art classes are great. I'm grateful that I ended up pursuing art, regardless of the fact that my parents disowned me for it. I can only hope that I can make a career out of it once I graduate."

"Well, you know that May's apartment is always open to you if you need it, as will wherever I end up living after graduation. Come and mooch off of us whenever you need it, we have Tony Stark to turn to if we need to if we need anything," I replied, feeling a pang of guilt as I spoke Tony's name.

She gave a little smile, "thanks, Peter, it's nice to still have friends that I can turn to. I-I'm not the best with emotions or people skills, so I was never really expecting to have people who are so close."

She slowed down as she got to the apartment building and turned to me, "well, this is me."

"Oh, um, well thank you for coming by the apartment today. It was probably the best Christmas that I've had in a while," I spoke awkwardly, not really knowing how to end our conversation.

"Me too, thanks for inviting me," she responded, but didn't leave to go to her apartment. We stood there awkwardly for a moment before MJ leaned in towards me, planting a fleeting peck on my lips.

I stared at her for a moment in disbelief before she started apologizing, "I-I'm sorry, Peter, I shouldn't have done that, I just feel like I'm feeling something more than just friendship towards you and I-"

"MJ, you don't need to explain yourself, really. But I'm sorry, I just can't do this. I've been trying to move on, but I can't can't do this, not with one of (Y/N)'s closest friends. It just feels like I'm betraying her, I'm sorry. You don't deserve this."

"It's ok, Peter, I honestly wasn't really expecting anything. Has there been any updates on (Y/N)?"

I shook my head, "it's like she just disappeared off of the face of the earth. I don't even know if she's still alive."

"She's strong, Peter, I doubt she has let whoever took her kill her. She'll turn up eventually, I'm sure of it," MJ assured me with a smile before turning back to the apartment. "I-I should probably head back now. Thanks for walking me home."

"Of course, I'll see you around. Ned was thinking about having everyone over his house later this week so I guess I'll see you there."

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(A/N): Just a little chapter to address things that happened in Far From Home (but I promise it won't become a love triangle!) Hope you enjoy!