Trapped in the Shadows

Chapter 35 - To Mimic Death

"Beziehung, Verdorben,  Null, Dämmerung, Schlange, Sechs, Ruhezustand, Endspiel, Sieben, Opfergabe," Carson spoke confidently, watching as I struggled more with each word. I didn't want to turn, to lose control over my own mind. But no matter how hard I fought against it, my will melted away and I stood in front of Carson as the obedient servant.

He smiled, "there's the soldier that I have missed. Did you really think that you could get away from us? Are you ready for your mission?"

"Of course," I replied, although my mind was screaming no. It was different from the last time I had been under their control. This time I was painfully aware of what I was doing and how it betrayed by true desires. I remembered my past and I knew that Hydra was the enemy, yet my body still complied.

"The Avengers are becoming troublesome. Your men are not quite ready for combat yet, but I am afraid that we cannot wait any longer. While we are perfecting the last few members, you will start small. Perhaps with the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. You do know where to find him I presume?"

The desire to scream out that I would no longer do his bidding welled up within me, however I held my tongue and nodded. His lips spread into a chilling smile, "then go kill him and bring Hydra back his corpse."

With that I teleported to the compound, where Peter had begun living since the Avengers had captured me. I was lucky enough to catch him alone in his room, where we would hopefully remain uninterrupted. He froze when he saw me, surprise clearly present in his eyes.

"(Y/N), where were you? We were getting so worried, I'm pretty sure Tony was ready to start a worldwide search for you again. That being said, we should probably go tell the others that you are ok," Peter spoke, headed to the door of his room.

"No," I commanded, teleporting between him and the door. "No one else has to get involved."

"What are you talking about?"

I wanted to tell him to run, scream at him to realize that this wasn't actually me. I tried to plead with him to save himself using only my eyes, but I knew it was pointless. My body worked on its own as I tried fruitlessly to fight against it. My magic wrapped around his throat, causing him to try to gasp for air as a dagger materialized in my hand. I jabbed it into him, his face bearing the same shocked and heartbroken expression that had painted my father's when I had tried to kill him.

I pulled the blade back out and he stumbled back, coughing up blood as he held the wound. Staring straight into my eyes as he fell, he stumbled to the ground, where he lost consciousness. A scream of anguish built up in my throat but remained unvoiced as I approached his body to confirm my kill. It was as though it were my own heartbeat that had stopped when I felt his slowly die out.

A gasp left my lips as I managed to pull myself from the nightmare, breathing heavily and coated in a thin layer of cold sweat. Peter was still sleeping beside me, completely undisturbed by my sudden movements. I took a few deep breaths and repositioned myself, hoping to return to sleep, but the image of Peter's face when I stabbed him remained permanent in my mind.

I left my bed, careful not to wake Peter and instead adjourned to my lab, knowing that trying to sleep was futile and not wanting to wake Peter by my tossing and turning. I was a fool to think that I could get a full night's sleep without being plagued by nightmares, I should have learned by this point that that wasn't going to happen. I had considered taking something to help me sleep, but I didn't want to be trapped in nightmares for the entire night. Hopefully my body would eventually sleep easily if I became exhausted enough, which I was surprised I wasn't already.

Instead of letting my thoughts linger on everything that I had done for Hydra, I began playing with my suit so that I would be better equipped if I were to be in a situation like Hydra's kidnapping of me again. I had been working on adding the small missiles like I had in my bracelet directly into the suit as they would have saved me had I had them back at the jewelry store robbery, but now my nightmare had awakened a new idea for a defense mechanisms.

I knew that if anyone said my trigger words I would fall back into the brainwashed assassin that Hydra had turned me into and I needed to take precautions against it. I could program (A/I) to inject me with a poison if anyone near me uttered those words. But then the question remained what would I have him/her inject me with?

My first thought was something lethal, that way I eliminated the risk of me killing someone that I cared about on Hydra's behalf. However death is final and none of the Avengers would ever forgive me if I killed myself to protect them. But if I were to simply have (A/I) give me a drug to knock me out, then depending on the situation, I could be aiding Hydra in recapturing me as I would not be able to fight while unconscious.

I needed something that would make me appear dead to Hydra, because it was unlikely that they would choose to bring a corpse back with them to their base, but the poison couldn't actually kill me. I knew that the idea of that type of concoction existed in the world, but I wasn't sure if the actual mixture did.

After brewing myself a cup of coffee to make it through the night, I began my research into a drug that might have the desired affect. I began with a drug called tetradotoxin, which was used in a number of movies and shows as a way to mimic death. However I quickly ruled it out as I discovered it would actually just make the diaphragm stop moving, thus resulting in actual death. I continued on in my research, determined to find something that could actually work.

As the hours passed I did find two candidates that could potentially work. One was called dimethyltryptamine and the other Baclofen. Both were extremely risky to use as I would have to figure out the precise dosage that I would need to make it seem like I was dead, but not actually kill me. Not to mention that dimethyltryptamine was illegal in the United States so it would be more difficult to get my hands on and I would probably end up making it in my lab itself.

Not overly impressed by the results that I had found, I began searching for drugs that I could mix together in hopes of finding something a little less risky or perhaps just easier to get the dosage right. I had backups should I need them, but I hoped to find something a bit more concrete.

"(Y/N), why are you up already?" I heard Peter ask, his voice betraying that he had just woken up himself.

I jumped at the sound of his voice, not having expected him to be awake. Hastily, I closed the notebooks that I was writing and minimized my browser. "I'm sorry, I didn't wake you, did I? I always get up this early, it's sort of a habit that I got into at Hydra. I was up at four every morning to start training early."

"What are you working on?"

"Nothing much, just trying to get some upgrades to my suit. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I was wearing it yesterday and now I want to make it as perfect as it can be."

He gave me a little smile, "I've been meaning to ask you about the suit you wore when you were with Hydra. Why?"

"Why what?" I tilted my head to the side, uncertain of what exactly he was inquiring.

"Why that suit? It didn't seem to be the most practical and it sort of over-sexualized you. It's not something I would ever have imagined you wearing, especially not in battle."

"Well it was designed by Lascombe and he's a white male who has dedicated his life to reviving an organization built by fascists and racists, of course he was going to exploit my gender. It wasn't like I was going to argue against the suit that our leader had designed. Anyway, I'm going to go pop in the shower and then perhaps we can go have breakfast together?"

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(A/N): you guys don't know how lucky you are, I almost set up the beginning so that you didn't realize it was a dream until you woke up so you're welcome for saving you that pain! I hope that you enjoy this chapter!