Trapped in the Shadows

Chapter 39 - A Monster

Once Steve and Bruce left the med bay, Bucky turned to me, "(Y/N), I promise that no one is going to force you to sleep if you don't want to. However, you should sit down so that you do not pass out again."

I nodded, walking over to the bed that they were planning on transferring me to. Bucky moved the stretcher and dragged a chair over to the side of my bed, looking a bit uncomfortable with the situation. Finally, he sighed. "You know, I haven't really spoken to many people about my time at Hydra or, more importantly, what it was like leaving. When I managed to escape their brainwashing, I was incredibly confused, as I am sure you were. But I didn't have anyone to tell me who I was, I relied on the fact that I knew a guy named Steve Rogers and the information in an exhibit at the Smithsonian. Eventually I was able to piece together my life and memories began to return to me. That was hard enough, I cannot imagine what having everything dumped on you at once would be like."

"Did you have nightmares too?" I questioned, realizing how weak and helpless I felt.

For my entire life I had pretended that I was strong. I always got back up more determined after falling, I acted as though people's comments bounced right off of my skin, I always argued for that which I felt strongly towards. But here I was, a shell of my former self. It felt as though Hydra had ripped out who I was, put it in a blender, and inserted it back in my body mixed in with the super soldier they designed me to be. And now here I was trying to scoop out their super soldier, but not being able to separate it from the parts that was me and just ended up taking everything out instead.

"I had nightmares all the time. I still do, as a matter of fact. But they are much more infrequent nowadays. It's hard, but you have to find a way to accept that it wasn't you who killed those people, you were not in control of your actions and didn't know what you were doing."

"But I allowed myself to give in to their brainwashing, I should have been stronger than that. I was trained by the Avengers after all."

"Yeah, you did give in. But that was after over three years of fighting with declining hope that anyone was ever going to find you. Most people who end up at Hydra are converted within a day."

"How long did you last?"

He paused, as though trying to search for the answer to my question. Finally, he shook his head, "I went under so many times, it is hard to recount how long it took the first time. They began the process when I was captured during the war, the time that Steve came to save me. After the train, I was first captured by the Soviets, but then ended up with Hydra, but I was kind of out it with the injury and acute hypothermia. However, I do know what it is like to have your brain and memory scrambled by electric shocks and I doubt I survived nearly as long as you did."

I remained silent, thankful for his assuring words, but still not being able to give up the belief that all of this was my fault. I had been the one to rush into the store robbery, the one who was unable to protect both Peter and myself, the one who couldn't find a way of escape once in the Hydra lab, the one who ultimately gave into the brainwashing.

"You know, when you started getting your memories back, I was incredibly impressed," Bucky broke the silence, seeming to realize that his words hadn't changed my mentality. "You seemed to recover so quickly and reverted back to your former life. I out of all people should have realized that it was all an act, but you seemed so confident when you assured people that you were fine, so I just assumed you adjusted far better than I had."

"There was nothing any of you could do, so I decided that I would rather have you not worry about me. Besides, if I were to tell any of you that I hadn't been sleeping, you would never have allowed me to go on the Hydra raids. I need those missions, to do something good."

Bucky gave me a sad smile, "you talk as though you are trying to make up for years of wrongdoings. You were only an active Hydra operative for, what, six or seven months? Yes, your kill count was quite impressive for that time, but some of us have done a lot worse. And if I can come back from Hydra's control then you can as well. And do you know why I am so sure? Because you have a strong support network. Every one of us here is fighting for you and will try their best to help you whenever you turn to them. Don't ever forget that, ok?"

I nodded, but didn't meet his gaze. I understood that everyone here had forgiven me for my crimes, but that didn't mean the families of my victims had. But if I remained fixated on them, would I ever allow myself to continue with my life? I was twenty-two years old and had plenty of life left ahead of me. But if I didn't figure out a way to move on from this, then I would never live it.

"Do you mind if I try getting a nap in?" I asked Bucky, needing some time to myself to think things over. Not to mention the wound I had received during battle was being left unattended, which certainly wasn't a good thing. However, I didn't want it treated in the med bay as I wanted to conceal my scars from the Avengers.

Bucky agreed to let me go back to my room for some rest, insisting that he escort me there. However once he left, I went to my lab instead of sleeping as I had promised to. I deactivated my suit and removed the shirt that I had been wearing beneath it, allowing me access to the stinging burn on my stomach. I hated looking at my body now, the scars reminded me of everything I had done for Hydra, but I would rather treat it myself than have someone else do it and discover my marred body.

A hiss escaped my lips as I poured disinfectant on the wound, cleaning it up so that I could dress it. I wasn't sure if the antibiotics that I had would actually work with the wound is it was a result of experimental technology, but nonetheless I treated it the same way I would treat a normal wound.

"Hey, (Y/N), I brought you some medication that Bruce said might help calm the nightmares," Peter announced as he entered the lab, causing me to drop the bandages I was about to wrap the wound in. "O-oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

I stared at him in shock, my brain going completely blank. He had seen me, there was no doubt about that. I watched his eyes widen, surprise rippling through him. My gaze fell to the floor and I picked up the fallen bandage.

"Well, now you know," I spoke, trying to keep my voice even. I turned from him and wrapped the my wound while he continued staring.

"Wh-What happened?" He inquired, his voice breaking slightly.

My lips pursed into a cold smile, "Hydra had me for four years, what do you think happened? They made sure that my exterior matched the monster that they made me on the inside."

"You're not a monster, (Y/N), I've told you this before," Peter assured me as he approached and placed his hand on my arm.

Tears prickled in my eyes, "how can you say that, Peter? You know how many I have killed. And now you see how I've been maimed, how can you still bear look upon me?"

"Because none of this is a reflection of who you are inside. (Y/N), you've saved me on numerous occasions, you saved half of all life, for God's sake! I love you, (Y/N), I love you because of the beautiful woman you are, both on the inside and out. These scars don't repulse me, but they do bring me pain because now I can see how much they have tortured you. You didn't deserve any of this," Peter assured me, his eyes watering as well, and brought his lips down upon mine, pulling my half naked body closer to his chest.

At first I was too shocked to respond to the kiss, having been certain that the scars would have turned him away. But Peter stayed with me, even reaffirming his love for me. He didn't seem to care how broken I had become or what I had done, he still loved me for who I was.

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(A/N): Nice long chapter to try to make up for not posting yesterday! I hope that you enjoy your little one on one with Bucky and the following intimate scene with Peter! Do you think you'll become more open to people helping you?