Trapped in the Shadows

Chapter 36 - What Are You Doing Up?

Peter joined me again that night and this time I probably got about an hour of sleep before I dreamt about the first murder that I committed for Hydra - that of the young golden retriever. I felt sick to my stomach when I woke up, still being able to feel the dog struggling beneath me, desperate to get out of my grasp. In an attempt to distract myself and keep from completely breaking down, I rushed to my lab for the rest of the night.

This time I furthered my research into a grouping of drugs that might give the appearance that I was dead, but unfortunately I didn't get too much research before I was interrupted. "(Y/N), what are you doing up?"

I looked up at Peter and quickly lied, "I had an idea for the suit that I couldn't let escape me, I'll rejoin you in a minute."

He sighed, "(Y/N), you know that we're raiding another base tomorrow, you need your energy. Come back to bed and you can finish this later. Also, is that coffee I smell? (Y/N), were you ever actually planning on sleeping?"

"I was, trust me, but I won't be able to fall back asleep now. I figured I might as well be productive since I know I won't be sleeping. Besides, I didn't want to keep you up with my tossing and turning. I already got about an hour, I should be fine."

"An hour is not enough sleep for one night! (Y/N), what is keeping you up and how long has it been going on?"

Realization washed over me that I would have to confess to how much Hydra had broken me and I sighed in defeat. "I just don't sleep anymore - not since Hydra. I'm kept awake by nightmares, either reminders of things that I have done or potential murders I could have done on Hydra's behalf. I just can't seem to shut it off, so instead I come in here, brew some coffee to keep me up, and get some work done. When you're not here, I sometimes watch a few movies to escape, but that doesn't always work because sometimes they remind me of my crimes or else allow my mind to wander back to what I've done."

"(Y/N), why didn't you tell anyone? We could have tried to help you," Peter asked as he took my hand reassuringly.

I shook my head, "I doubt there's anything that you can do, I'm just hoping that it will go away in time. Besides, I didn't want to trouble you with it, I've got the situation under control."

"Surviving off of caffeine is not under control. Have you tried any medication to help you sleep?"

"That makes it worse. I can get to sleep, but then I am trapped in my nightmares. I don't want to go through that."

"If you keep going on like this then one day you're going to crash. That could be while we're safe in the compound, but it could also be while out on a mission. You need to tell Tony, or at least ask Bruce if he knows anything being a doctor. Or perhaps Bucky experienced something similar when he broke free of Hydra and he has advice."

"Why don't I just find a reporter and tell them too so that the whole world knows?" I snapped and immediately regretted. I sunk deeper into my chair and rubbed my temple, "I'm sorry, Peter, I know that you're trying to help. I-I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't trust myself because Hydra can take control of my mind whenever they want. And I want to be able to sleep again, but I don't want to forget the crimes that I've committed. The guilt I feel is the only thing that can make me feel less like the monster they made me be."

Peter wrapped his arms around me tightly, "I'm so sorry for everything that you've gone through. You are the last person that deserved any of this. But you are not a monster and never have been, not even when Hydra took control of your mind. The only monsters are those who chose to be part of Hydra willingly. We have the opportunity to take them down, or at least beat them back, but to do that you need to be fit. Would you be willing to try to get some more sleep so that you can help us take down Hydra?"

As he finished, he pulled away from the embrace and cupped my cheek in his hand. I placed my own hand atop his and downcast my eyes, "it's not worth it, Peter, I'll only keep you up."

"I can go back to my room if you would feel more comfortable?"

"No, I don't want to kick you out. Strangely enough, I do find your presence somewhat reassuring, however you may choose to leave if you want to get enough sleep yourself."

"I'm never going to leave your side, (Y/N), not as long as you allow me to stay here with you," he assured me, placing a kiss on my lips and leading me back to my bed.

He wrapped left arm around me and I lay with my head upon his chest. As an attempt to calm me, he ran his fingers through my hair, placing a kiss on my forehead and whispering, "I love you, (Y/N)."

My breath hitched in my throat as I heard him speak those words again. Even now, when I was not worth even the smallest embrace from someone so pure and caring. Tears slipped from my eyes as I buried myself in his chest to try to keep from sobbing.

Peter must have realized what was happening because he suddenly began panicking, "oh my god, (Y/N), I am so sorry. I-I didn't mean- I mean, I didn't realize that I was saying something wrong- I shouldn't have said anything."

His words only made me more emotional and I completely lost it, "I'm the one who's sorry, Peter. How can you possibly stand being around someone who is such a wreck. Part of me wants to free you and let you be with another woman that you are more deserving of, but I also don't want to let you go."

"(Y/N), there is no woman existing that is more deserving than you. You have been through more in the past four years than most people have to endure throughout their lifetime, I'm honestly amazed that you have held up as well as you have. I already lost you once, I am never letting that happen again, regardless of the way that you now view yourself. Just promise me that you'll go to someone tomorrow for help, I cannot bear to see you so broken when there may be a chance to help you."

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(A/N): Oh my god guys, I'm going to see Tom Hiddleston tomorrow (and hopefully meet him)!!! And of course, my period had to come and I'm so fucking pissed because it's insanely early and I want to enjoy the day, not have to deal with my period, but at least I'll get to see Tom!