Unfixable fixing

Chapter Three

"And we test you with evil, and with good as trial." Quran; 21:35

Allah loves you, don't think too much about nothing, just pray and believe.

Samirs pov

I gasp and jerk awake, sweat dripping from my head, tears streaming down my cheeks, eyes bloodshed.

I sit properly on my bed, hug my legs and continue crying, omg! It felt— it looks so real, Ya Allah!

I check the time, it's 3:47am, I don't know if it is a coincidence but i always wake up this time of the night, well...not willingly, my nightmares wake me up.

After a little pep talk to my self, about Allah knows everything, He is Al'alim, i stood up and walk to the bathroom to wash my face and perform wudhu.

I came out of the bathroom and prayed, i prayed, cried, prayed and cried to the Almighty, He is the only one that knows what i am really going through, heck even i don't even know sometimes, it— it's just complicated.

A crack on my door and it's open, my dad walk in wearing a sympathetic look on his face, "Another nightmare?" He asks softly, crouching to sit beside me on the prayer mat.

"Unfortunately, yes." I whisper while wiping my tears.

"How about another therapy sessi-" My dad starts but i cut him mid sentence. "That thing is useless." I said, i can't even remember how many therapists i consulted, they don't help at all, in fact they just bring back memories, because you have to tell them.

"It's not habibi, please just this once, i don't want you having nightmares every night, it has been years Samir, can you stop punishing yourself?" My father spoke with broken voice.

Punishing myself?

Does he think i enjoy having nightmares?

"Ana asif Abhi(I'm sorry father) but i can't do that, and it's not my fault that i still have nightmares, it's not in my control father, i can't help it, i also want it to stop but i think it's a part of me now and wallah i am trying hard to accept that." I said with crack voice and a tear cascade down my cheek.

I don't get why they all expect me to just look past it, i mean it has happened, can't we just accept the fact that it has happened and it is part of us?

"No, I'm sorry, in shaa Allah it will come to an end, you're strong and i love you for who you are." He stood up and kiss my forehead, i manage a smile at him.

By Allah, I don't want my father to be seeing me like this, he overthinks stuffs and it's not healthy for him, he is old and literally the only one i have.

Ya Allah grant him long life in good health, Amin.

I stare at the starless dark sky, through my opened window, thinking about what i saw in my sleep, she's smiling down at me, her face glowing, tears also streaming down her cheeks, she whispered something to me, but i didn't hear her.

********

A cup of hot chocolate in my hand, a book in my other hand, i am sitting on the floor of the living room by the long glass window, droplets of rain streaming down the glass, leaving me with painful memories to think of.

I hate rainfall(s).

I sip my drink, duck my head down, literally burying it in the book i am holding, did i mention that i like reading? I do.

I sometimes write too, i pen down my thoughts, because i have no one to share with, my family wants me to just forget it, so i can't talk about it to them, reading helps me forget reality for quite a while.