Falling For A Bad Boy - T.Holland

s i x

- WARNING!!!! Suicidal thoughts and anxiety attacks are in this chapter! You've been warned! -

The car ride was silent. He kept trying to get some more information out of me about the whole fight but all I ended up doing was giggling and answering with 'nothing'. At this point, I didn't give a damn. I felt high. Like some type of adrenalin or something. He stopped in front of Tom's house and helps me out since I could barely stand on my own two feet. I looked back at my house and saw my dad pacing around the room that had a large window. It kinda made me feel sad again. I felt like sobbing, but I couldn't. Like the tears were physically not coming out. I didn't notice any cars in the driveway except for a motorcycle, so I assumed Tom's parents were gone for the night, hence why Haz was coming over. Ah, my little drunk-like brain was finally starting to think normally. 

Haz knocked at the door and we both heard dogs barking, which made me jump slightly, and then heard a 'shush!' coming from someone inside. There he was, Tom, holding the front door open for my little stupid-self and Haz that was making sure I didn't fall and crack my head open. I must've looked hella stupid because Tom's eyes widened when he finally noticed who I was. "Avery are you okay?" he asks jumping towards me and placing my arm around his neck to help me walk up the front step. "Dude something happened, and I found her at the park, completely out of it!" Haz explains as the set me down on the couch. "Dude," I start, mocking Haz, "I can speak for myself!" I say stumbling in my words slowly, just like an old drunk. Great. "What happened?" Tom asks crouching down so he's the same level as my knees. "My dad and sister are going to visit motha-fuckin' Marie!" I say jokingly, but meant every word I said. "Avery are you okay?" he asks again.

"Dude I'm fine! Stop overreacting." 

"I found her crying in the park." Haz adds.

"Wow... thanks for ratting me out dude," I joke looking up at Haz who was standing not too far from Tom and I.

"Haz can I talk to Avery alone please?" Tom asks looking back at Haz.

"Yeah sure, I'll go put my stuff in your room." And just then Haz left.

Tom stands up and sits next to me, and this time, he gently grabs my hand. There it was, the feeling of sobbing, taking over my entire body. My legs and arms felt weak, my head started pounding and sharp pain started going off in my chest. And just like that tears formed in my eyes but I tried my hardest to keep them back. It just hit me that I was putting all this pressure on Tom. I felt so bad but it was either here or I sleep on a random bench somewhere.

"Hey, hey, Avery, talk to me..." he says in an almost whisper tone.

"I'm sad."

"Okay, about?"

"I don't want my mom to come back," I say, like a child again. Damn, why couldn't I just speak normally? A tear rolled down my cheek and I guess Tom noticed cause he pulled me into a tight hug. Wow. I felt safe in his arms. I never wanted to let go. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed. Oh, so NOW tears wanna come out. Okay, I see how it is. "Shhh, it's okay" is all he said as he rubbed my back in circular motions. Tom wasn't at all how everyone puts him out to be. Sure he was a dick at first but after talking to him, I mean having a real conversation with him, he was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Instead of pulling away from the hug he wraps his arms around me so he's holding me up in bridal style and he carries me up the stairs. My head resting on his chest and my arms wrapping around his neck.

He sets me down on his bed and goes to his closet. He grabs a sweatshirt and sweat pants from his closet and hands them to me. "Go wash up, take as long as you'd like then go meet me and Haz downstairs we will be watching a movie," he says with a warm smile. Urgh, that smileeee.

He kisses the top of my head then starts to walk out of his room, "Tom." I say making him turn around. "Yes, love?" he says with the most innocent look on his face. "Thank you, for everything." 

"No problem," he says with another one of his dashing smiles and walks out.

I grab the clothes he had put beside me and make my way to the bathroom that was connected to his room. I closed the door behind me and looked into the mirror. I was a mess. I had completely cried my mascara off, great. I turned the shower on and got in. I was feeling really weird. I had this pit in the bottom of my stomach and my chest felt heavy. I wouldn't stop shaking and the thoughts in the back of my head starting taking over my entire body.

You're not good enough for any of them.
No wonder they're running back to her, they just don't wanna be with you.
You are exactly like your mother.
No one actually loves you, they just fake it so you don't get upset.
Fuck you, Avery.
You're such a disappointment. 
Why don't you do everyone a favor and kill yourself.

It was the same thoughts that were going through my head when my mother really left us. Ever since I was 8 my mom would come and go stating she got better but would fall back into it weeks later. My mother really left me when I was 13. Ever since then anxiety and just loneliness took over my body, it never left, I just learned how to brush it off.
This time though it made my entire body ache. I tried so hard to just keep it out of my head but it kept coming back. I let the water run on my shivering body and grabbed my head like I was trying to silence out this stupid voice.

I couldn't. It was taking over me like some demon. It's like someone pulling you back from reality.

You're not good enough. Yes, I am what the hell. They don't actually love you. They do, stop it! They're faking it! No, they aren't they actually care! But Tom doesn't, he just wants sex. W-What, no? Do you really think a guy like that would give a damn about a girl like you? Yeah...? Avery no one cares about you just kill yourself! 

I could still feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as the water hit my face. My entire body felt numb otherwise. I didn't even know how long I've been in here, 20...30 minutes? I got out and changed into the clothes Tom had given me. As I looked back into the mirror my eyes were bloodshot red again. I looked around desperate to erase the thoughts out of my head. There I found it. A pair of scissors. I didn't know what I was doing.

All I knew was that I wanted the pain to be gone...

-Woahh this story was crazy. Just a heads up if you ever feel this way plz talk to someone! I kinda based this around my experience so this might not affect everybody but if you do feel this way sorta talk to someone a friend or family it helps I promise :) -