I've been going through changes this past year. And these past 5 months have felt like there's a knife in my chest. Some days I'm close to pulling it out, others it just sinks in deeper.
I've been trying to figure out what's really wrong with me, because everyone seems to think there is something. I even can agree that I have my moments.
I've been hurting. Every day, every night. As each month passes by. But, I smile anyways. Because, somehow smiling is some sort of pain reliever. Smiling can make other people smile, and all I ever wanted to do was to make other people happy. Be kind always.
I have my fare share of faults, I can't deny that nor will I try to. Because, I have been acquainted with them and no we're not friends, we just simply coexist. But, I have been working on the things that I know aren't healthy in friendships or relationships. And as I'm lying on my bed right this minute I realize something. It's like I had an epiphany. And maybe this is my main problem all together.
I know I am capable of loving someone and loving them extremely hard. Because, I do. But maybe I'm incapable or have trouble of ever believing that someone could ever truly love me even though I know they do. Because, people always say they love me but sometimes actions don't match. And all the people who said they loved me as a child left me. And maybe that's why I love so damn hard because when I really love you I don't want you to go like the rest. It's not all my fault, I didn't ask for this. I have this eating at my brain, and it all hurts so much. But I'm trying, and that's all I can say. I am trying and that has to be enough right now. I can become a better version of who I once was. I just need to be given the chance to show the new me, the light shining through all the cracks, when it's time. I just want it all to be understood.
