I had a class today, the one where I walk right by where you work to get to. You weren't there last month. But when I walked in today, you were there.
I had to walk past you, not look, and pretend I didn't know you. Pretend I didn't care. I think you watched me though, but I'm not sure.
Class calmed me, the thought of you being a few walks away from me was ever present. When class ended I knew I had to walk past you again.
I put my ear phones in, and turned up the music loud. It was blasting. I looked at you and to my luck your back was turned to me. I looked away and straight ahead, trying to keep my composure. But seeing you again, twice in one day and having to act like I don't know you, not being able to talk to you, it made me sad. I almost cried right then. I felt the urge, but I pushed it back. I probably looked like I was in pain to whoever looked at me and they wouldn't be wrong if they thought that, because I was. Right when I got outside tears fell. I still want to cry. It fucks me up every time.
Everyone tells me I'm putting too much engery into someone. That I don't need to be this upset. And sometimes I feel ridiculous when all I need to do is feel it all.
I spent 7 years being your friend. I spent an on and off relationship for 5 years. I spent a whole two months before and then a whole year and a month with you. And that whole year was filled with a lot of bad, mistakes, things no one would stick around for, and a lot of good times. I let you touch my body and my soul. I let you see all the bad parts of me. And I stuck around when it got ugly. I thought of our kids, our wedding. We talked about all animals we would get. Everything.
And now I walk by you pretending I don't know you and you pretending you don't know me.
It all hurts a little too much.
You're everywhere to me.
In the wind, in the rain, the air that I breathe, the long sleepless nights. Everywhere and in everything.
I love you more then I loved anyone.
