The Plan | l.r.h

twenty-six

Ryan's POV

I left Luke standing in the lobby of the hall and climbed into Cal's car. There were tears streaming down my face and I was sobbing.

"Oh my god, Ry!" Cal freaked, pulling me into his arms. He rocked me back and forth getting me to calm down. "What happened?" He asked, but I couldn't respond. Instead, I just shook my head and buried myself deeper in his chest. After a while, I finally calmed down and he drove me home. When he parked, I got out of the car without a word and ran up to my room. I closed the door and pulled off my dress, not bothering to put on other clothes. Calum would probably sleep with Michael tonight given how upset I was, so that he can give me space. I quickly took off my makeup with a makeup wipe and lazily washed my face. I decided to leave my hair how it was because I didn't have the energy to try and take it out. I eventually crawled into my bed, naked, and laid there thinking about how terrible of a person I am.

I made a pact with Luke for this exact reason. I knew I was gonna break his heart and I tried to save him from it. But I let my feelings get to me, I let him get to me. Why did I have to ask him to be my boyfriend? Why did I have to ruin the pact? Why did I have to like him so much? I ruin everything, fucking everything! I always self-destruct and I take everyone down with me when I do. This is all my fault. Why am I so fucked up? Luke loves me so much, why isn't that good enough for me? Why is it so hard for me to love someone and let them love me back?

I laid in my bed, crying for what felt like hours. But I knew what I had to do. I hadn't done it since I was nineteen. I thought about it once since, after I was raped, but Luke was there to stop me. There was no one here now, no one to save me from myself.

I got up and walked over to my desk. I reached for the top drawer, pulling it out and empty the contents on my desk. I flipped it over and peeled off the faulty bottom, pulling out a small plastic bag with two sharp blades inside. I don't know why I never threw them out when I stopped, but didn't care about that now. I needed to use them. I deserved it after what I did to Luke. And it was the only thing that would let me feel a small sense of relief. If I cut open myself physically, maybe I will feel some emotional relief.

One thing I knew for sure... once I do this, there's no going back. Luke and I are done. No more dating, not even friends. He can't be in my life while I'm doing this to myself. He can't know this side of me.

I pulled out a blade ran my left index finger across it. Immediately, I felt a sharp sting in my finger and blood drip down onto my thigh. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. I touched my thigh where the blood fell and felt the deep white scars that I gave myself when I was younger. And here I am, four years later in the same position.

I brought the blade down to my skin and took a deep breath. The second I swiped this blade, Luke would be gone from my life forever. Is that what I wanted? More tears started bursting out of my eyes and I could no longer see anything. It was dark in my room and all I saw was darkness. I felt the blade fall out of my hand and to the ground, but I was too distraught to care. Why am I like this? I'm so fucked up that I think self-harm is the solution?

I picked up the blade from the ground and put it back in the bag, sealing it back on the bottom of my drawer and putting the drawer back in my desk. I reached for my pyjamas and slipped into them, in case Calum comes back later. I crawled back into bed and cried myself to sleep, hoping I wouldn't wake up the next day.

☆

Around 11 that night, I woke up to someone walking into my room. "Calum, I just need to be alone. Can you please sleep in Michael's room tonight?" I croaked, my voice raspy from crying all night. But he didn't respond, which made me think it wasn't Calum. "Hello?" I felt the bed dip on the opposite side as someone got underneath the sheets.

"Baby..." I heard him whisper with his deep, raspy Australian accent. It sounded like he had been crying too. He grabbed my body and pulled me into his chest, breathing me in and keeping his grip tight. "I'm sorry but I couldn't bear not to sleep beside you tonight. I love you and I know you can't say it back yet. I will wait however long you need before you can say it back. But I won't ever give up on us, I won't ever give up on you."

I was speechless. He came when I needed him the most and he knew exactly what to say. I breathed in his scent and knew it there. Luke was my home. He was my forever.

"Don't let go." I begged, clinging to Luke's body.

"I'm never letting you go," he responded as he connected our lips. I deepened the kiss, love and desperation and passion being exchanged between our bodies. I pulled off our shirts, and then our pants, and then our underwear, until we were both naked. "A-are you sure?" He asked, making sure that I was comfortable. I nodded my head and connected our lips again, pulling his body on top of mine.

There was a hole inside me from what Noah did, but in that moment, I knew only Luke could fill it. I needed him, right here, right now. My forever.