The Emerald Thief - Merlin BBC [1]

Chapter 24: Magic and Destiny

I never got to farewell Gwen. The woman had left before I had the chance. I felt terrible, having not seen her when I had the opportunity. I felt awful that she had to suffer the wrongdoings of another. I hated seeing Arthur in the state he had found himself. I hated that I couldn't tell Arthur the truth, knowing it wouldn't change anything. I kept my word, trying to be there for Arthur as best I could. It got scary for me as the king turned to denial, making it known that Gwen's name was never to be spoken.

I never saw Lancelot again. The man had taken his own life. Arthur and the others think it was out of regret and nobility, but Merlin, Gaius and I know better. Seeing the knights grieve for their friend, past grievance surfacing, that struck me. I couldn't bear having to watch my strong-willed friends break down. They also turned to denial, making Lancelot's name forbidden much like Gwen's.

The weeks that followed felt empty. Things returned to normal, but there seemed to be something different. Camelot had never felt sombre, but now it has become gloomy. I've begun slipping into old habits of overthinking and lying, although that isn't as bad as it could be. I've thrown myself into work. My healing abilities have become more skilled as I have nothing else I'd rather do.

Being around anyone made me depressed, even more so when they were in a good mood because I knew it was all an act. So instead of being social, I fell back into the habit of spending more time with myself than others. I hope that I'll be able to walk outside one day and not see the masks that everyone has put on. I want to see the genuine truth that they are happy and past grieving. Until that day, I will remain to throw myself into studies and work.

Making my depressive nature worse, Arthur has made it his mission to make me happy. He's done this by giving gifts and spending more time with me. I would have thought this to make up for a lost time, but I know that it's a coping mechanism, which only makes me feel worse. I wouldn't tell him that, knowing it's helping Arthur regain himself by spoiling me.

When Percival suggested a hunting trip for the king and the other three close knights, I knew it was a good idea. Every opportunity I had, I endorsed it, hoping that perhaps this trip would bring some of their spirits back. Leaving for the weekend, the men were off, leaving me feeling like I'd had a fresh breath of air for the first time in ages.

A part of me yearned to go with them, but I had already fallen into so many other habits that I was afraid the freedom would entice me to run away from my problems as I have many times. I'm happy to find I've made self-development, denying the invite to come quickly.

I have improved much in every way possible, being reformed to live this new life. If anything, I've become reliant upon it. That's the reason I have become so gloomy with everyone else's sadness. I didn't realise how reliant I had become of Gwen until recently, now finding it difficult to speak my feelings to anyone else. Another reason for my sadness.

That hunting trip seemed to be the thing everyone needed, returning all our spirits. With the men returning this morning, Camelot's personality came back. It was a huge relief, now able to enjoy the company of others. Even Elyan has returned with a grin.

Finishing up for the night, I restack books, return substances, remedies, medicines, and various tools around Gaius' chambers. The physician was called to a severe case, leaving me to prepare herbs and medicines. I reach up, extending to the tip of my toes as I return the last book to its shelf.

"Evening, Edythe", Merlin calls, appearing in the doorway.

"Evening Merlin."

I turn to face the serving boy, finding him stuck in a contemplative expression. Something is on his mind, making him appear anxious. Whatever is on his mind, he is unsure of, and I can see that, now he is faced with me, the nerves are setting in. He fidgets with various things around the room in nerves.