Somebody to hold t.h.

Chapter Thirty Three

The next morning Evie woke up earlier than usual. She got herself ready and prepared breakfast for the both of them. Then she was out the house before he even woke up to take the bus.

Tom woke up from the noise of her leaving the apartment being reminded of the things he's done yesterday immediately. With a heavy heart he got himself ready and walked into the kitchen. When he saw the prepared breakfast for him he felt like he couldn't breathe. He hurt her so much and she still cared enough about him to do this. She really was too good for him.

This whole day in the office Evie tried her best to give all the work she had, that had to do with Tom to Liz, who immediately knew something was up when she saw Evie's weirdly conservative outfit and her dull eyes.

"We are speaking during lunch.", she whispered to her as she walked into Tom's office to let him sign the papers Evie gave to her.

As she walked in she immediately saw that Tom was just the same making her understand that whatever happened to Evie involved Tom.
She closed the door and looked at him with questioning eyes.
"I really hope you didn't hurt her.", she said quietly knowing that it was unprofessional but neither of them cared.

"Just let me sign the papers I need to work.", he sighed with tired eyes. "Whatever is going on just know that it is killing the both of you.", with that she left to text Harrison: "what the fuck is going on with the two lovebirds?"

His reply was immediate: "Tom really messed up. He got scared of his feelings and told her to stay away. I tried to talk some sense into him yesterday but it was useless."

"They both look dead." , she typed as she returned to her workplace watching Evie struggle to concentrate on her papers.

During lunch she made Evie explain what had happened and tried to reassure her just like Harrison had done, that Tom was not telling the truth and hiding his feelings. Yet it was useless.

Back at home she cooked dinner for them only speaking to him when it was really necessary. She wasn't the Evie he knew, she was in work-mode.

It was horrible for her. She couldn't even be herself in her own home anymore. Not even one month after moving in with him. It was the first time she regretted her decision deeply. Every night she was woken up by panic attacks from the stress of always having to play a role that isn't her. It was slowly killing her. And Tom was in the room beside her. Every night staying awake until it happened. Every night contemplating whether or not he should just go to comfort her but holding himself back. Not only would she not want to have him there it would also maybe make them go back to the way they were, which secretly was the only thing he wanted to do.

This routine of barely speaking went on for one and a half months. Tom spent longer at the office and more time at the gym again while Evie was always at Haz' or Liz' place in her free time.

She hated being all alone in that beautiful apartment now understanding why Tom wanted her to move in. Not because he liked having her around but because the pretty apartment didn't feel like home when you were alone in it. This realization finally made her heart shatter down into pieces completely. She was longing for him, needing him. To feel his arms around her, finally being allowed to be small again. To be herself again. She needed him.

He felt the same. Every night he laid in his bed with a heavy heart, feeling like Harrison was right- he really lost the only good thing in his life.
He yearned for her tender touches and her tight hugs. Just seeing her was never enough especially not when she looked so broken and wasn't able to be close to him or look him in the eyes without crying. He did this to her and he felt incredibly guilty. Still he believed it was the right thing to do.

After they were having another painfully formal dinner with each other forcing themselves to be as civil as possible he noticed that Evie wasn't fine at all. In fact she was just about to have another panic attack. And he was right. She ran towards her room after washing up immediately and started breathing heavily and crying. It was painful to listen to for Tom and he didn't want anything else but storm into that room and hold her close to him, comfort her and kiss her.

Wait kiss her? Shaking his head that that thought he continued washing up and sat on the couch.

He knew Harrison would be there in a second to pick her up to go to the movies. She had told him during dinner. That's why he didn't go in, Harrison would comfort her. That thought alone made him want to punch a wall. When Harrison arrived and immediately bolted for her room as he heard her cries he shook his head at his best friend, showing how disappointed he was in him. "You're a fucking moron Tom. She needs your help and you can't get over yourself to at least help her.", he spat angrily as he ran by him.

Harrison pulled her into a tight hug and tried to make her breathe normally again. It took longer to calm her down than when Tom helped her. It was making her feel like an asshole for thinking that.

Harrison was there. Tom didn't want to be.

She was grateful for having him, without him she wouldn't have been able to live with that pain alone.

But someday maybe she will be okay again. Maybe move out into another apartment so she wouldn't have to see him. And maybe she could try to be friends with Tom again. Friends that are not close.

Even though she doubted that she could trust him ever again after pulling that stunt on her.

When they left for the cinema, Harrison holding her hand, Tom suddenly felt something unusual. He had tears in his eyes. In fact he was full on crying.

He didn't even remember the last time something hurt him so badly he had to cry. And now he was a sobbing mess. Full of shame he went into her room and grasped her pillow needing to feel anything that was her's. As her scent surrounded him he couldn't help but cry harder. He really ruined everything he had with her. The most precious thing on earth.

It was just then that he admitted to himself that he did already love her. Of course he could love her. He had been doing it for a long time now and he didn't even notice. He fell for Evie when he thought he wasn't capable of ever feeling like that. She had his heart and everything of him. She was all he'd ever need. But he pushed her away, hurt and betrayed her. He was right. He really didn't deserve her.

That evening she returned and when he heard her giggle for the first time in nearly two months at something Harrison said Tom's heart shattered. She would be fine without him. He was right to push her away. This is hurting her yes, but eventually she will be fine again and then move on. She will someday find someone who can love her and who she can love back. She could never love him back.

As Evie entered her bedroom she immediately knew from the scent. He had been in there when she was gone. Confused she sat on her bed noticing the scent was getting stronger here. She lifted up the pillow and was engulfed by him again. Tears were immediately running down her face as she finally smelled her favorite scent again after missing it for so long. She closed her eyes and hugged the pillow close to her chest burying her nose deeply into it.

She misses him so much her whole body was hurting. Why had he been in her room? Why did he touch her pillow? He had known that she'd be gone, what had he been doing then?

It didn't make sense to her because in her mind he wanted nothing more than to stay away from her as far as possible while still being friends.

Whatever it was she was thankful for it because now her pillow smelled like him. This was the first night since the incident that she slept through without a panic attack because it felt like he was there with her.

Tom misinterpreted the absence of her panic attack though. Per usual he stayed up waiting and when it didn't come it just seemed to reassure him that she was fine and happier again. And that she eventually would be able to live without him.

This was so far from the truth though. Evie was only okay because of his scent. Had he known that he'd probably thrown all of his beliefs out the window and went to cuddle her to make her suffering stop immediately. But Tom was stubborn and wanted to believe she was better off without him. He couldn't accept that he was the one for her. The only one who could love her right and the only one she could ever love back.